Happy new year....not

Had a crappy year in 2014 so of course 2015 is gonna be the same. Was disowned by my birth father when I was born and now by my adoptive father. All because I left a very bad situation to protect myself. Now I am hated by everyone in my family so I dont have one anymore. So fuck it I am outta here.

Moving

Been living with a dear friend last couple of months Wolf...now he is headed home and so am I. Back to hubby and kids and all the craziness in South Park. Gonna miss the Wolf for sure but am happy he finally gets to go home where he belongs.

Last breath

Hanging with my last breath. Waiting on Death's open arms to finally greet me at last into my restful slumber. Thinking I think of the ones I leave behind. My love and my family. I wish things could have worked about better for all that came into my life. Wishing on some things I could go back and re-do maybe tweek a few things I did or words I said. Maybe my next life I can be someone that matters to the world. Maybe I can see my true loved ones again in the next life, that is my wish. And if this is my last life I hope to be remembered for what I did and who I was. Peace to all. -LP-

Sickness with in

The Raven had been tasked with watching over the sick wolf. Yet the wolf stubborn in his ways refuses most help offered. So Raven must be her sneaky self help while he sleeps. Then she can sneak into his dreams and mind and help him heal. That is once she can convince the guard dragon who is more stubborn than the wolf. Shaking her head she goes to the dragon "I appeal to you on behalf of wolf...look into my heart and know I speak truth when I say I only want to help wolf heal. For you are the guardian of this ancient soul. Allow me to help him heal for he has helped me so much." Surprisingly the dragon stands aside this time and allows her inside the wolf's dreams and mind. Taking only her medicine bag she enters the unknown. Seeing the turmoil with in the wolf she gulps and gets to work. Slowly finding the bugs that need to be removed so Wolf can be master once again. Hunting them down one by one, like soldiers marching into war. For Raven and Wolf have fought many battles together many wars have they seen. Now that the last bug has been dealt with the wolf can rest in peace and wake feeling alive once again.

Stolen work but still had to post

die...

• by LiViNGMyTH, 2 minutes, 8s ago
• Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

If I were to die
Be it drowning
Murder
Or suicide
Will you mourn?
Will you cry?
How will you react?
When you hear the news of my death
Will you tell others?
Will you wish to hide?
Will you take your life?
Will you use the gun?
The blade of a knife?
How will you fall?
Will you go in the same manner as I?
Be it drowning
Murder
Or suicide?

Yellow eyes

Eyes wide open to all the pain I see.
Eyes wide open wondering how you can stand such pain and sorrow.
Each day brings more pain and more hurt. Wanting to know why you just don't go home and didnt so long ago. This is your time right here,right now. Eyes wide open so I can see into your soul, all I ever see when I look is your pain. Eyes wide open to you trying to end your pain one way or another. Wondering when you will hear her crys like I do begging you just to go home. Eyes wide open to the fact that your mission is not yet over, but soon it will be. Eyes wide open to the fact that when is all said and done you will finaly ba able to sleep like you need.

Wanting

Wanting the freedom I have earned
Wanting the safety I was promised so long ago
Wanting for you to understand
Wanting to try again but fearing that you have pushed me to far
     away
Wanting to come home but still am afraid of what may happen
Wanting you to understand what you have done to me
Wanting you to understand what you have made me do.

Needles

Someone asked me why I hate needles. I hate them for one simple reason, in my past life I was a POW and tortured for what I knew. Needles were a big part of it too, so I hate them and cringe when I see em being used

Valley

As I walk into the valley of Death I feel at home. In the total darkness I find peace and I almost feel calm. I feel at home here and to enter is easy its leaving that is hard. To leave you must part with something very dear to you. I left long ago and am now ready to return.

No one gets left behind

That is what they are told when they sign up to go to war. No one gets left behind. What a bunch of lies, right? There are to this day still soldiers listed as MIA from Vietnam.  Our country men put everything on the line for a lie. When they get caught they get disowned our government says we don't negotiate with terrorists. 

Time to hide once again

The walls are going back up again. No more pain, no more sorrow, no more fear, and no more TEARS! I am not going to "feel" anything for my feelings have yet again betrayed me. Tired of being hurt by everyone time to be stone faced again.

2 names one body

My mind has begun to tear in to two seprate people. Lori and Sue there paths are going further and further apart. Not sure whom will end up taking over totally and whom will disappear forever. I welcome who ever wins this battle with open arms because it will be the true me finally coming out. Hating to have to loose one part of me though yes I know both can be together but I dont want that. Ride or die its time to say goodbye.

Sight

I have been blinded for the longest time. My sight was taken away from me for my own protection of the torturer I went under lifetime ago. Now that block is gone and I remember everything. My sight though has come back but much stronger than it was before. I am seeing things I don't think I should see. Future to the past I see it all now, good or bad. I am ready for this I think I hope.

Raven and Wolf

For I am the raven always on guard when you can not be.

For it is my job to see you home safe even when I can be by your side. 

RIP Thunder Lord

Watching the Wolf howl over his pack. Forgetting all in mourning for the loss of a member of his pack. Wishing maybe he could have know him better. For the pain of loss is hard for anyone.....But taking faith in one day knowing he will see his friend again, it doesn't ease the pain but something does change.

"Each day is a gift and not a given right" Nickelback

Test time

Every minute of every waking hour is test time with you. I think I have passed all that you have thrown at me, and I am ready and waiting for the next.

Like an army

Like soldiers we march to war. Obeying orders till the day we die we march. Only a few of us will stand up to our officers and defend our lives from them. Like an army falling one by one by one. Ready to lay our lives down for country and each other. Ready to die and knowing our death may never be reported for years. Marching into the unknown praying for a safe return, and praying our officers know what the hell they are doing. Like an army falling one by one by one.  One by one we fall dying a thousand deaths a thousand times over. Falling over each others bodies we press on. Keeping our heads down to avoid the bullets flying by our heads. Like an army falling one by one by one. The ones that do make home, never are whole. Either our bodies are shattered or our minds. We may look normal and sometimes act it too, but if you could see in our minds you would know the truth. Like an army falling one by one by one. 

Sins of the father

The sins of the father come back 3 fold. In my case like father like daughter. I killed my mom (not physically but am getting blamed for her death) by choosing what I did, and now my childeren suffer. And my father hurt my mother so its come around again. My wish is my childern can break this cycle. If I had not sworn at oath to my friend who shall re-main nameless (he knows who he is) I'd be dead right now. I hate what I did and why I did it. Crying is a sign of WEAKNESS and I need to end it now. I want to die.

Sleep no more

I am at the point where I can not sleep anymore. Too many nightmares and now I am waking up with cuts and bruises uh huh I'm done sleeping for awhile

No sleep needed

As the hour of the night increases so does panic's grip on me. I know what is coming with in my dreams...the pain, the hurt, the fear and death. I do not want these visions in my sleep anymore and yet I cant shake em either. I know I have them for a reason if not to see into you better to understand your silence. I know these things to be true deep with in my soul. I fear what I see coming for it is our end. The later it gets the stronger they become, so I must fight the urge to sleep every night. You say I need sleep and not try to keep up with you but you don't understand....I stay up as long as I can for when I do fall out I don't dream. I don't want to anymore dream that is. So tired f seeing the pain stricken in your eyes. So tired of seeing the hurt in your mind. Hating all the would and have done this to you. A good solider does not dream and I am that solider.

War time

We are in a war and we need soldiers.
A good solider does not sleep
A good solider does not fail his missions
A good solider does walks a thousand miles with out sound
A good solider does not complain
A good solider does not miss
A good solider does what he is told when he is told
A good solider does what he has to to keep his fellow soldiers      alive
A good solider does what he is ordered too.
A good solider does not know what the meaning of the word DIE    is.
A good solider knows everything about his enemy.
A good solider is trained by the best for the best.
A good solider what ever whom ever he needs to be.
A good solider is where ever he needs to be.
A good solider does as he is ordered.
A good solider DOES NOT SLEEP.
A good solider is ALWAYS on guard.
A GOOD SOLIDER DOES NOT DREAM!!!!

What I see

If you could see what I see in my head I think you'd run screaming far away. For I know I would if I could. I see the changes in you NO one else can see. I see you in my dreams in pain more now then ever. I don't want to dream anymore some how a wall was taken down that was not supposed to come down, not liking it at all. I see more than I should be you and I agree on this totally so my question is who un-did this wall and why?

Its over

I have officially moved outta my apt in the hell hole re-named South Park and outta Marks house. I AM FREE!! Thank you Wolf for giving me the strength and courage to take this step in freeing myself. 

Life's choices

Life is all about making choices...good, bad or ugly its how we live. We have to live with the choices for the rest of our lives. Yeah sure we screw up and make bad ones BUT we should be human enough to admit them.

PAIN

Seeing you in this amount of pain yet again...I know there is nothing I can do either. I hate this shit you are being put thru because you care so much for these people who time after time stab you in the back. A part of me right now wants to take the shit she left behind and make a bon-fire outta the shit just for a tad bit of payback on her ass. I know you would say no but I cant stand to see you in this much pain. It's almost as bad as watching you die again.

Grave

Deep in the woods lies a grave. No cross, no marker just a mound. That is where I am. I fear never to be found lost for all time. Wont someone come and put me to rest?

Good day to die

Like an army marching into war, we advance upon our enemy. Even if that enemy has not yet been made clear, we march. Ready to make the ultimate sacrifice of life and death. To give our selfs for the greater good. Today is a good day to die is our motto showing we have no fear in our hearts, minds and souls. I am ready to follow my master into battle any day any night. I am ready for this fight and will do all that I have to do to win this battle. For today is a good day to die.

Lucky 13

I had a dream of your passing...your last life it was lucky 13 as I say. Well maybe not I think. I went to your grave site and as I stood there saying my good byes a child (boy) was hanging upside down in the tree over your grave. Looking at me he says "Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red rose?" With out hesitation I reply "yes". He looks at me as he jumps down laughing..."Peace little one" he says as he takes off running into the newly formed fog.

Choices

I finaly put my foot down and made what I thought was a good choice. Now just about everyone is pissed off at me. I choose to leave cause I saw no other way out. Now I have to live with what I did. Yes I would do it again so........

Venting

Ok vent time...just tired of dealing with Mark's bullshit! I hate him right now and someone needs to shut his mouth quick.

Dancing

As the master sleeps I watch the lighting dance across the ceiling.

Weird weird day

This posting is more like a diary entry but still. Today has been all Deju Vu all day

RDH

So happy to say I found an old RDH buddy on here Go Kevin!

Cross roads

I have come to a cross road here. One way goes my own way with out anyone tagging along and the other is I pretty much stay where I am at. I really want to go my own way right now thats just were Im at in my life. Tired of where I'm at tired of being last place, but to get what I want I have to loose some things too.

WAR

Every time I head back I gear up for a war. One like all the others no winners and for sure some losers, usually everyone in the war. Hating these wars that go on in my place where there should only be peace and love. Somebody said "fuck that let there be no peace here". I ever find that person I'm gonna kill em, plain and simple.

Changed

Not much has changed since my last post. Still going thru hell. The system has failed me yet again. So ready to call it quits and just leave everything behind! The few friends I have are trying to help and I am forever in there debt. Thanks all Peace

Tired of being me

Ok I'm done being ignored here. You dont want me there so be it, I'm out.

Calling

There is something calling me. Wanting me to go North. Right now I am about ready to. My master is getting ready to leave its pure chaos at my house and neighborhood. I am tired of it all. Why North I am not sure. Yes when the time comes and my master calls for me to come fight with him I will be ready but until then I think I need to escape for awhile. I want for peace to befall my home and I am thinking if I remove the chaotic element in my home there will be peace. So someday soon I am going to pack a bag, take my bike and go North, till I am called.

Peace 2

Peace can not exist, without its counter part chaos. See without both there is no balance one has to have its opposite to exist. I for example am darkness but I have yet to find my counter part the light. Craig you say I need to embrace the light, I cant. I am sorry about that luv.

Your death

I have said this before when you pass the Earth will bleed. Now I can add more to this vision, when you pass it will rain fire and blood. Thinking to myself it makes sense cause your favorite color be blood red. You will reach your mound and you will have fun I can tell this the way you talk about it. For all those on your bad side ya might as well off yourself before this happens..............cause you aint gonna wanna live then. ROFL

Frustrated to hell

Trying to piece together what is left of my fractured mind. Its not working lol. I have been on edge for at least the last 3 days cause I know something is coming. What I don't know and I really don't want to know. I fear the end of something maybe someone is what is bothering me. I am not truly sure. I hope to the Gods I am wrong about who is leaving this Earth. But if I am right look out.

the true me

Wolf wants me to be my self when I am with him. He says "if you are not your self you are lying to me and you". I like that saying alot. So today I'm gonna show him my "true" self. 

Wolf 2

Thinking I'm falling for you daily. Wanting never to return to the war zone I currently live in. Cant find my voice to speak the truth cant find my guts to do anything to help myself. Hoping he will not run you off like my other friends. You mean alot to me and I just cant say it. 

Yellow eyed demon 2

Found out that the yellow eyed monster of my dreams is Wolf. Showing me his other side the one you dont want to met. He says he showed this because he felt he had to show me what I was getting into. I'm glad he did. The reason I now know it was him because he had the exact picture of his laptop

Peace

Pray for peace you get war. The time is now for the biggest fight ever in yours and my life. Never fear death or dying just not trying.  THIS MOMENT WE OWN IT! Time to fight back and take back what is ours. Ride or die time ya'll. 

Life

If life is what we make it, why is mine pure hell? I am tired of not being able to do what I want and need to do for these kids of mine. Frustrated does not begin to cover how I feel. The government tells me I cant do what I need to do. DCFS tells me I have to do it. I ask how and I get shrugged shoulders. WTF am I doing wrong? I dont deserve all this blame I'm getting I at least try. I watch my kids like a hawk. I dont let them wander and wonder why there dont answer there phone when I call. I KNOW EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY WHERE THEY ARE!!! Can you say the same for yours??? If not dont judge me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chaos

In a world where chaos rules there is no such thing as peace. Wishful thinking sure, peace no such luck. Its just another word like love and hate, life and death.

Just Because

Figured I post just cause I can. Things are actually going pretty good right now. Still looking for work though :(

wishing

I find myself yet again wishing some one would find me. Wishing someone could give my past lives the peace I need. Wishing and hoping one day this will happen

Open

Open my mind and you will find a world of crazy
Open my heart and you will find it broken
Open my soul and you will find it lost
Open my body and you will find it broken too
Open me up and you will find a whole world of crazy, faithless pain with in me.

War zone 2

I live in a war zone. If its not the kids kiling each other its me and my other half. If its not verbal is physical. Its not fun here 75% of the time, becuase there is a fight going on. I am so sick of living in a war zone.

One cry

A cry for love
A cry for help
I'm all for the two birds one stone thing this is like my moto of my life
So a cry for love is also a cry for help

Head games

In my head there is a war
A constant battle between good and evil death and life
That kinda shit its like my mind cant make up its self and I'm just along for the ride. And what I ride it has been

Anonymous

Anonymous bitch you have officially pissed me off. Pretending to know me HA. You have no clue what I have done and am doing. You say I creeply stalked to of the men in this blog you are sooooo wrong. Sure I will admit to maybe stalking one but his wife and I worked it out. Now Carrot top the one I talk to daily you could be more wrong! I challenge you to come out with your name I want to know whom this person is that knows me so well. Or you are the chicken shit stalker and no more comments from you will be posted. I do have a guess to whom this is and since my first guess was wrong it leaves one person. Carrot tops ex! Whom I might add begged him to fuck her the first night they met!!!

The men of this blog

I had some one make a comment about the guys I mention in here so here they all are and there is more than 4.
Chandler Reed: My friends husband

Carrot Top: my ex and still friends

Mark: My other sometimes better half sometimes not

Scott aka Scooter: A old friend of mine whom I havent spoken to in years and one of my muses

Kevin Pittman: Another muse whom a few of these blogs has been written for

Craig: My dear friend that lives Down Under

Jeffery: My birth father whom I am looking for


Have I missed anyone??

Soap box

This is me just bitching about what I see everywhere. Ok yes I am a parent of 4 kids but as a parent I gotta ask myself and others how can we raise our kids in this world? Mental health has become a fad kids killing kids on top of it. I Love my kids but wish I could raise them somewhere else because the world I see is NOT the one I want for them not at all. I dont let my kids watch Walking Dead or play Black Ops cause I know its not good for them. But to see and read how kids are rape-ing another kids and getting away with it cause they are just kids is not cool. No parent should let there child go to the park by them self even if the child has a phone. I have seen 7yr olds ridding around town and his mother texts me "have you seen my kid?" WTF people get off your ass and take you kids to the pool, park whatever. Dont let them go by them self. I had well the oldest of the group was 13 breaking into a empty house right next to me at 10:30 at night last night.

Hooked and booked......well almost

I went out today stoped at many different stories. Came home went to head out again and just as I left the neighborhood I get pulled over by the 5-0 aka police. The officer asked me if I stole a cigarte case for all of $2 outta the smoke shop. Hell no I did not. I bought one and he saw that on tape but it looked like I stuck one in my back pocket too. I aint dumb enough to steal a $2 thing. I am a thief but not a dumb one. Lol people that steal stupid shit should be caught and busted but that wont be me.

Under my skin

Ok I admit that comment on the blog post titled Tiff got under my skin. I will admit that, but I am NOT afraid of what anyone thinks or feels. I have a feeling I know who wrote that comment and I emailed that person. I hope I am wrong to be honest. I value that persons thoughts but I also thought they had enough balls to say it to my face like they wanted me to do for them. So if I am wrong would the chicken shit that did say that tell me who there are. Here is my email address nightwing1179@gmail.com if you don't want to do it publicly

Comments, thoughts etc

I will POST any comments sent to me unless its spam. Good or bad shoot em my way and I will add em. I am glad to see that people do read this besides the 2 I know for sure on. Thanks Jacs and Ben later ya'll

eyes into the soul

I know people say the eyes are windows to the soul. But I think that is wrong. Eyes are windows into heaven or hell. Which one depends on the person looking. So next time you look deep into someones eyes what do you see?

My own hell

Look in my eyes and see the hell I have lived thru.

Look in my eyes and see what I feel.

Look in my eyes and know what I know.

Look in my eyes and feel my pain and sorrow.

Look in my eyes and know my love for you.

Look in my eyes and understand I do what I do cause I have to.

Look in my eyes to see my truth.

Look in my eyes see what lies ahead

Look in my eyes and see my last lives

Tiff

Well it seem I cost a friend another friendship. I feel bad about it truly because he seems to have really cared for her. I didn't know certain details about there relationship. And I said somethings to her after there were broke up. I feel really really bad that this happened. Ben and Tiff I hope you can forgive me.

Why?

Some one explain to me why trends are such a big deal? I am not going to by my ten year old a smart phone just cause all her little friends have one. I cant afford it and number two wont do it because I dont see a reason to. These kids now a days are so spolied. One neighbor told me her daughter has a smart phone so she can "Keep up with the technology fo todays world". I think thats bull shit but who I am to speak. 

All eyes (together)

eyes wide open can’t see a thing missing you more than life its self eyes wide open looking everywhere Eyes wide open god himself couldn't save me Eyes wide open still blind and can not see Looking everywhere still not finding what I seek Lookin looking but nothing to see In this hell I live nobody can find me As I write this I Can’t even cry Missing you more than words can ever say Eyes wide open hating this feeling I have every single day. Loving my hate hating my love so damn confused doesn’t know what else to do. Is it my time to die or live? When will I know what freedom really is If is truth I don’t want to know. Hating my life and wanting no more Eyes wide open ready to go Heaven or Hell I do not know. Eyes wide open looking for you missing you more than you will ever know. Eyes wide open still blind to everything Living life to its fullest extent only god can save me now. Eyes wide open to truth you have always told. Missing missing everything I left behind wanting to go back in time and undo the past. Knowing full well it can’t be done. Hating myself for ever letting go. Missing the life I wanted Being suck in this hell No one can understand not even you.Not even god  knows all that I have been thru. Loving you so much I cant explain cant put into words all that I feel. All the pain and all the hurt I have been thru all for you Never ever want to loose you again will go to the end of the earth just to be near you. My life will be over if I loose you again. Just want to be you friend if thats all I can do. I want so much more but dont want push you away. Hating how I feel right now hating that I wanna cry hating that I wanna cut and die. These thoughts in my head are really starting to scare me. I know how you feel about everything I have ever done. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. The darkness is overwhelming so much its not even funny Hating my life right now wishing everything was different. Having no control over what I write and do. Hating every minute without you. Needing you by my side more than I can ever say. Needing to take this knife from my hands so I dont do something stupid. Wanting needing are not my things. Hating this needing feeling I have wishing I could never feel again. Cutting and feeling no pain is not a good sign. Wanting wishing never to feel again. waiting wanting for this to end not liking what I am writing. Wanting wanting so much more than hating everything I have Time to end this end this all not wanting to give up but what else can I do? 

Eyes wide open hating the way you made me feel one of these days you will see the truth. One of these days we will all know the truth of why I am the way I am. Eyes wide open cause I am scared to sleep Never ever again will I fall. No one can save me from my own hell Have to keep going to find the truth in all the lies I have been told. Eyes wide open to the face that everyone has lied to me.Crying harder now than ever before trying to resists the urges running thru my head, Trying to put this damn knife down. Even you cant see my total pain. Eyes wide open to the rawness I do not like. Would rather die than feel this way again. Cant take much more of this pain I feel wanting it to end right now. No more tears no more sorrow no more pain ever again Curse you for making me feel this way Wondering why do I do this to myself wanting answers I never will get Eyes wide open to why I had all those walls up. Feeling shit I never wanted to feel. Hearing shit I never wanted to hear Learning shit I never wanted to learn Eyes wide open to the fact I will never be normal never ever be like everyone else in the world always going to be alone. Crazy and looney that is me by default hating it but knowing its fact Feeling the cold steel against my skin what a release it can bring. Eyes wide open to how I will die. God only knows what can save me. Wanting to escape this hell called life not wanting to die but don’t know what else is there. Don’t know if I can wait till Oct to find out the truth wanting to find these answers that will haunt me till I am gone. Always know that I loved you and have never been right minded. Eyes wide open to the fact of death coming soon  Eyes wide open not caring anymore Eyes wide open wanting to run Eyes wide open to all the pain I feel Getting closer every day to the end

Eyes wide open

Here we go again

Round and round I go

Fighting and fighting forever more.

This time is the last time I will do this again!

Can't bear the pain any more

Eyes wide open

That my death is very near

Yes I am ready to go

Wanting and waiting for my life to change

Knowing while hoping it NEVER will

Eyes wide open

As I fall asleep one last time

Even you couldn’t save me this time

I am so sorry for everything I put you thru

Hope one day you can forgive as I have you

Eyes wide open

As its time for me to say goodbye

Eyes wide open to all the pain I have caused. More and more every single day. These words can’t explain the guilt I feel. One more time one more dime one more cut one more bleed. Eyes wide open to the things that need to change. Happiness is not a dream but can be real. Over and over everyone tells me so. That I must leave the darkness I so fondly love. That I must enter the light to save my soul.

Eyes wide open to what my heart is telling me. You and I where never meant to be. I am sorry to say it this way I can’t lie to you or myself anymore. I must embrace the truth. You were my first and always will be but its time I move on. Can’t keep up this act anymore. Eyes wide open to the truth, what I need is not what I want. I am no hero to these kids but I will not give up on them either or their father. Eyes wide open to knowing this is not what you want to hear. I will always love you my dear. Eyes wide open to the fact you want to know why. I feel we have drifted apart once again. So tired to trying to stay "afloat" to stay with you and him, I can’t tell the lies anymore that I have to, to keep him happy. Why must I lie because he hates you so. For everything you did. Eyes wide open to the fact that even as I write this line I wish I was with you. AAHHHH can’t deal with this shit much more. Eyes wide open to how I feel. I need someone to come save me, save me now. Save me from myself once again. The end is HERE!

Eyes wide open to the double life I am living.  Hating what I have done and become. Still searching for who I am and where I am from.  Eyes wide open to my darkened soul.  Ready to fight for what and whom I love. I would kill to save them all.  Yet I fear what I must save them from most is my own crazy self.  How to stop the madness I will never know. Wanting, needing help that I will never find.  Seeing, feeling that the end is near. Am I crazy or is it the world we live in today?  Making up story’s just to save our own face.  Lying, cheating and stealing have become the norm. Since when has honesty become taboo? Hate everything and care about nothing not even my own life.  Wanting to end it all but finding I cant.  Even as I write these words I don’t know what is going to come out next. I am in a place where life and death have no meaning and they have become one with each other.  Wondering when will it change again. Missing what I think was love. Now only knowing pain and fear.  I find myself ready but don’t know what is keeping me here.

Been told

I have been told that my blogs are not "happy" lol they are more my therapy than anything else. But just for you (Jacs) here is a "happy blog" My bitch ass neighbor is moving out PARTY IN WEST PARK!!! there Happy joy joy :)

Family crest

Jeffery Harold Hardison and my family crest

My death/ my dreams

Sitting at Walmart on the curb outside of the store I see (here is a problem cause the person I see keeps changing) Adam/Kevin. (Adam you dont know he is a paramedic out here and Kevin is Kevin Pittman from RDH) Any way I am sittin outside the store. I make eye contact with Adam (well just go with Adam) I take out my knife and put it to me neck and cut my throat. Now I am looking thru there eyes as the blood shoots outta me. I die.

Dreams

My dreams are like my life yet I would not call them dreams, more like nightmares. I dream of death coming end of the world crap etc. Its getting to the point where I don't wanna sleep. I even have re-curing people in my dreams, sad thing is they are no longer in my life. Moved away that kinda shit. Peace be with all who read this and be ware of the black storm comming

Me and only me

Guess I should say some thing about my self now huh?  I will NOT change shit for no one. If you  dont like how I am how I talk act etc....fuck off then, yeah? I a dress how I want dont do the makeup fakeness crap and never will. You can not change me so stop mother fucking trying. So many people have tried to make me "light" and change me. It will never happen!

Been a minute

When did the saying "Been a minute" become so popular?  I hear that from every one now. IE Jake after kicking our new heavy bag, "Its been a minute since I kicked a bag. Since Chandler left. Its been a minute."

Oh well here is a pic of the bag

Friends

One by one my friends seem to be disappearing. They just stop talking/texting me.

FEAR by Pauley Perrette OFFICIAL VIDEO

The Storm

The incoming storm calms yet excites me. I crave the caos it brings. Yes there is a certin fear here cause storms can be deadly. I love the cleaning that comes with the storm, the rain washes away everything. Good or bad gets washed away never to be seen again.

Bored I guess

Its boring here and I am going. Stir crazy

Walk alone 2

I have been told that there is no such thing as a lone Christian so what does that make me? I am tired of being let down by all churches. So I quit. Sorry Frog but I don't know what else to do.

Faith

My faith is gone. Hate to say it but it is. Slowly but surely it faded away. Life gave up on me so I returned the favor and gave up on it.

The worst day in a long time

This has been one of the worst days in my house in YEARS. I am no kidding. First I woke thinking its gonna be a bad day. Second Mark goes and buys a tv (which is fine) but as soon as he gets home the cops shop up. Saying that Mark used the "n" word toward a child in our block. They didnt even bother to check with my son who was with at the time and just booked him. When he got home we deceded to go to the park. Right off the bat our daught runs into a toy and gets hurt. Then not 5 mins later Codi falls off the low monkey bars hitting his neck and side of his jaw on them. Huge black and blue mark. UGH!

I know I walk alone

I know I walk alone
I  chose this path of misery and hate.
I know I walk alone
I know there is no such thing as a lone christian
.What I am I do not know. My faith has become more trials then blessings it seams.
I know I walk alone
I know I have chosen this route and where it will lead me that I am un-sure of.
I know that I must have faith but its hard to have faith in the un-seen.
I know I walk alone
I walk everywhere looking for signs of hope and life and all I see is pain and suffering.
Disregard for the rules set by man and God alone.
I know I walk alone
One day I hope to see and know the truth in my heart and soul.
But for know I know I walk alone.

Pissed off!

Ok I have a friend here in the states that is dying. He has MS and maybe two months to live. All cause our government wont allow the cure here. WTF is that all about? They haven't figured out how to get money outta this or something??

Death and Love

If you were dying would you want to know? Would you tell anyone? Would you do anything differently? Maybe more brave? Cause fear can be stopped ya know. It is a feeling just like love and hunger pain and cold. I may say I love someone but to be honest I don't think I really do fell it, its just something you say. So I would not tell anyone if I was dying and just slip peacefully into the night.

Dreams

Giolcach this is for you.

As the last bit of the dream fades from my  memory I think to my self...Maybe that what dreams are. Little peaks of how our lives are supposed to be. Trying to say to ourselfs hey we fucked up here time to fix this.  How is that for psychology for ya? PS get outta me head!

Time

There is a fear in me, saying its time I leave this earth. Yet I dont wanna leave. I wanna stay for once starting to be happy again. Things in my life are looking up. Yet there is this fear that I can not shake. I dont wanna go no no no. Why cant I shake this feeling?? I always take the fall for everyone around me. I lived in pain and had no shame. Now things are changing for the better. I will make the rules and sleep once again!

The storm

The incoming storm calms yet excites me. I crave the caos it brings. Yes there is a certin fear here cause storms can be deadly. I love the cleaning that comes with the storm, the rain washes away everything. Good or bad gets washed away never to be seen again. Yes I love them storms.

Drummer

I march to the beat of a different drummer. You all say I am weird crazy/ strange. I dont think so. I have been this way my whole lfie. I wil never change who I am and what I am. I will do what I do when I do it. I will say what I want when I want. So kiss off if you dont like it!

Cutting

Ok I am a cutter. I will admit that but there are two things I need to say about it. One I havent done it in two weeks. Number two my biggest thing as well. I dont do it to be cool. I am NOT and emo of what ever the fuck they are calling it now a days. So dont think I do it to be cool.

God's Blog

I keep a blog called "God's Promise" and I have been slacking on it. For one major reason. I have no home church yet again and am looking once again. Its frustrating because we thought we had found a good one. But once again our issues prove to much for them.

The View

Standing on the bridge today I look to the North thinking of my family back that way and wishing I was with them again. I turn and then look to the South, where my old friend and love is. Wishing I was there too. Then I continue across the bride on my way to where ever it was I was going.

Lift me up

Lift me up for I am broken. See the pain I hide so well. Feel the fear and all that is me. Learn what fear means to me, even if you dont wanna know. Realize that I can never be healed, realize that there is and never will be a cure. See why death is my only way. Understand that my life is has and always will be a living nightmare. Life me up for I am broken Catch me for I am falling Save me for I need saving. But dont cry for me cause I chose this life. Even though I hate it I chose it. 

Dante (dont know why call it this but oh well)

What is done can always be un-done. Nothing is in stone. All can change. All will can bend. Life does not end at the grave nor begin in the cradle.  We are all one life, just manly branches of what that one's life can be. Heaven and Hell are here are Earth always was and always will be.  The reason we can not nor will we ever find our origin is for the simple fact we have to have faith. We cant ever answer all the questions cause then we will stop growing and looking for the said answers.  We need something to drive us as individuals and as one people. Peace on Earth another fairy tale that cant happen. There has to be good and evil fighting. No mater what we wont stop looking for our past and where we come from as if it can tell us were we are going. Life is almost done and we don't even know it. My question to you is are you ready??

Star Crossed

Long ago we were given that nickname. And man we sure have lived up to it. No matter what we did/do we are always driven apart. Maybe one day things will change.

Neighbors

I hate, hate, hate my new neighbors. Don't even know them but I hate them. You guys got out in a great time because now we have Lori B from housing's daughter living in our block AHHHHHHHH

Ranting

Ok going on a rant here so chill....
I am tired of people saying there goanna do something and yet NEVER do it. I have four people in my mind as I right this. If you say you goanna do something DO IT. Be it come up here, stop hitting, get him in trouble etc. Don't tell me your phone is screwed up or you have no money and yet buy video games or go to movies or its not your fault etc. I am tired of people saying they care and lying. So I am calling it quits with ya'll have a nice life!

New toy

Update

Mark is home on the list for 5yrs Oh keep the knife got a new one later

Day by day

Trying to take life day by day right now, because its way way to hard to do more than that. My husband has been kicked outta the house in order for our kids to staying living with me. Man four kids are impossible to  deal with by oneself. Again I give props to all single parents out there. At least 3wks till Mark is allowed back in the house when the kids are home. ugh ugh ugh He ready to quit and has said it even a few times, "its not worth it" he says. Yeah that helps me out allot Mark ahhhh I hate you for saying stuff like that.

Ugh

Gonna miss my friends hate to see them leave. But it is for the better so good luck Reed's safe travles

Props

I give props to all single parents out there. I am a singel parent for a couple weeks and it very very hard cause I have four very active kids ugh

Fear

The fear came back last night, like a freight train headed straight towards me. I thought for sure I was gonna get nailed. I got lucky, not sure how. Tired and sore all over all the time ugh.