eyes into the soul

I know people say the eyes are windows to the soul. But I think that is wrong. Eyes are windows into heaven or hell. Which one depends on the person looking. So next time you look deep into someones eyes what do you see?

My own hell

Look in my eyes and see the hell I have lived thru.

Look in my eyes and see what I feel.

Look in my eyes and know what I know.

Look in my eyes and feel my pain and sorrow.

Look in my eyes and know my love for you.

Look in my eyes and understand I do what I do cause I have to.

Look in my eyes to see my truth.

Look in my eyes see what lies ahead

Look in my eyes and see my last lives

Tiff

Well it seem I cost a friend another friendship. I feel bad about it truly because he seems to have really cared for her. I didn't know certain details about there relationship. And I said somethings to her after there were broke up. I feel really really bad that this happened. Ben and Tiff I hope you can forgive me.

Why?

Some one explain to me why trends are such a big deal? I am not going to by my ten year old a smart phone just cause all her little friends have one. I cant afford it and number two wont do it because I dont see a reason to. These kids now a days are so spolied. One neighbor told me her daughter has a smart phone so she can "Keep up with the technology fo todays world". I think thats bull shit but who I am to speak. 

All eyes (together)

eyes wide open can’t see a thing missing you more than life its self eyes wide open looking everywhere Eyes wide open god himself couldn't save me Eyes wide open still blind and can not see Looking everywhere still not finding what I seek Lookin looking but nothing to see In this hell I live nobody can find me As I write this I Can’t even cry Missing you more than words can ever say Eyes wide open hating this feeling I have every single day. Loving my hate hating my love so damn confused doesn’t know what else to do. Is it my time to die or live? When will I know what freedom really is If is truth I don’t want to know. Hating my life and wanting no more Eyes wide open ready to go Heaven or Hell I do not know. Eyes wide open looking for you missing you more than you will ever know. Eyes wide open still blind to everything Living life to its fullest extent only god can save me now. Eyes wide open to truth you have always told. Missing missing everything I left behind wanting to go back in time and undo the past. Knowing full well it can’t be done. Hating myself for ever letting go. Missing the life I wanted Being suck in this hell No one can understand not even you.Not even god  knows all that I have been thru. Loving you so much I cant explain cant put into words all that I feel. All the pain and all the hurt I have been thru all for you Never ever want to loose you again will go to the end of the earth just to be near you. My life will be over if I loose you again. Just want to be you friend if thats all I can do. I want so much more but dont want push you away. Hating how I feel right now hating that I wanna cry hating that I wanna cut and die. These thoughts in my head are really starting to scare me. I know how you feel about everything I have ever done. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. The darkness is overwhelming so much its not even funny Hating my life right now wishing everything was different. Having no control over what I write and do. Hating every minute without you. Needing you by my side more than I can ever say. Needing to take this knife from my hands so I dont do something stupid. Wanting needing are not my things. Hating this needing feeling I have wishing I could never feel again. Cutting and feeling no pain is not a good sign. Wanting wishing never to feel again. waiting wanting for this to end not liking what I am writing. Wanting wanting so much more than hating everything I have Time to end this end this all not wanting to give up but what else can I do? 

Eyes wide open hating the way you made me feel one of these days you will see the truth. One of these days we will all know the truth of why I am the way I am. Eyes wide open cause I am scared to sleep Never ever again will I fall. No one can save me from my own hell Have to keep going to find the truth in all the lies I have been told. Eyes wide open to the face that everyone has lied to me.Crying harder now than ever before trying to resists the urges running thru my head, Trying to put this damn knife down. Even you cant see my total pain. Eyes wide open to the rawness I do not like. Would rather die than feel this way again. Cant take much more of this pain I feel wanting it to end right now. No more tears no more sorrow no more pain ever again Curse you for making me feel this way Wondering why do I do this to myself wanting answers I never will get Eyes wide open to why I had all those walls up. Feeling shit I never wanted to feel. Hearing shit I never wanted to hear Learning shit I never wanted to learn Eyes wide open to the fact I will never be normal never ever be like everyone else in the world always going to be alone. Crazy and looney that is me by default hating it but knowing its fact Feeling the cold steel against my skin what a release it can bring. Eyes wide open to how I will die. God only knows what can save me. Wanting to escape this hell called life not wanting to die but don’t know what else is there. Don’t know if I can wait till Oct to find out the truth wanting to find these answers that will haunt me till I am gone. Always know that I loved you and have never been right minded. Eyes wide open to the fact of death coming soon  Eyes wide open not caring anymore Eyes wide open wanting to run Eyes wide open to all the pain I feel Getting closer every day to the end

Eyes wide open

Here we go again

Round and round I go

Fighting and fighting forever more.

This time is the last time I will do this again!

Can't bear the pain any more

Eyes wide open

That my death is very near

Yes I am ready to go

Wanting and waiting for my life to change

Knowing while hoping it NEVER will

Eyes wide open

As I fall asleep one last time

Even you couldn’t save me this time

I am so sorry for everything I put you thru

Hope one day you can forgive as I have you

Eyes wide open

As its time for me to say goodbye

Eyes wide open to all the pain I have caused. More and more every single day. These words can’t explain the guilt I feel. One more time one more dime one more cut one more bleed. Eyes wide open to the things that need to change. Happiness is not a dream but can be real. Over and over everyone tells me so. That I must leave the darkness I so fondly love. That I must enter the light to save my soul.

Eyes wide open to what my heart is telling me. You and I where never meant to be. I am sorry to say it this way I can’t lie to you or myself anymore. I must embrace the truth. You were my first and always will be but its time I move on. Can’t keep up this act anymore. Eyes wide open to the truth, what I need is not what I want. I am no hero to these kids but I will not give up on them either or their father. Eyes wide open to knowing this is not what you want to hear. I will always love you my dear. Eyes wide open to the fact you want to know why. I feel we have drifted apart once again. So tired to trying to stay "afloat" to stay with you and him, I can’t tell the lies anymore that I have to, to keep him happy. Why must I lie because he hates you so. For everything you did. Eyes wide open to the fact that even as I write this line I wish I was with you. AAHHHH can’t deal with this shit much more. Eyes wide open to how I feel. I need someone to come save me, save me now. Save me from myself once again. The end is HERE!

Eyes wide open to the double life I am living.  Hating what I have done and become. Still searching for who I am and where I am from.  Eyes wide open to my darkened soul.  Ready to fight for what and whom I love. I would kill to save them all.  Yet I fear what I must save them from most is my own crazy self.  How to stop the madness I will never know. Wanting, needing help that I will never find.  Seeing, feeling that the end is near. Am I crazy or is it the world we live in today?  Making up story’s just to save our own face.  Lying, cheating and stealing have become the norm. Since when has honesty become taboo? Hate everything and care about nothing not even my own life.  Wanting to end it all but finding I cant.  Even as I write these words I don’t know what is going to come out next. I am in a place where life and death have no meaning and they have become one with each other.  Wondering when will it change again. Missing what I think was love. Now only knowing pain and fear.  I find myself ready but don’t know what is keeping me here.

Been told

I have been told that my blogs are not "happy" lol they are more my therapy than anything else. But just for you (Jacs) here is a "happy blog" My bitch ass neighbor is moving out PARTY IN WEST PARK!!! there Happy joy joy :)

Family crest

Jeffery Harold Hardison and my family crest

My death/ my dreams

Sitting at Walmart on the curb outside of the store I see (here is a problem cause the person I see keeps changing) Adam/Kevin. (Adam you dont know he is a paramedic out here and Kevin is Kevin Pittman from RDH) Any way I am sittin outside the store. I make eye contact with Adam (well just go with Adam) I take out my knife and put it to me neck and cut my throat. Now I am looking thru there eyes as the blood shoots outta me. I die.

Dreams

My dreams are like my life yet I would not call them dreams, more like nightmares. I dream of death coming end of the world crap etc. Its getting to the point where I don't wanna sleep. I even have re-curing people in my dreams, sad thing is they are no longer in my life. Moved away that kinda shit. Peace be with all who read this and be ware of the black storm comming

Me and only me

Guess I should say some thing about my self now huh?  I will NOT change shit for no one. If you  dont like how I am how I talk act etc....fuck off then, yeah? I a dress how I want dont do the makeup fakeness crap and never will. You can not change me so stop mother fucking trying. So many people have tried to make me "light" and change me. It will never happen!