Game time

Name of the game is....How much more can I loose my mind??? Think Im playing... I can almost see/feel myself spin further & further out control. But I can't decide if I like this ride yet or not....TBD 

Internal war

Again I find myself at war....with whom you may ask. LOL My self yes I am once again at war with myself. Engage yet again in another internal war. God how I hate these. Im hopelessly deadlocked in this good for nothing NEVER ending war. Somebody save me please. I hate it I hate it I hate it! And with that very admission I have to add a almost darker one. Yes I hate this war but in hating it I also must hate myself, no? I find myself being torn between a fear (where said fear comes from, no clue) and also a kinda desire. I want what I fear to happen. Which makes no sense to me I swear. So my mind wanders back to where the same thing may have been happening before. My wants and fears being the same that is. Dr Scott A. Siegall M.D. said to me that the reason I was sabotaging my life, giving up everything (family & home) to be with this Ja-Ho aka Mark was because I secretly wanted to be living in the shelters. I had a weird curiosity to experience it. So coming back to the present I guess I am having that same wanting again (not to be homeless). And so I am doing stupid sh** the exact sh** I yell at poor Master Wolf for doing all the damn time. Its cause I want to be/go where he has been...jail/prison I dont think it would matter which. Now besides this desire of "walking in his shoes" there is a second reason to do this. Could be simply just to say been there done that or maybe just maybe to show the nay sayers I could and while doing it I could also keep my trap shut!

Rock and a hard place

I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Im tired of being hurt and hurting within myself. I have a few routes I can take but all of them lead to someone else getting hurt and I just cant do that either. No matter how much I hate someone I can do something that I know will hurt them. Grrrr

Choices

I finaly put my foot down and made what I thought was a good choice. Now just about everyone is pissed off at me. I choose to leave cause I saw no other way out. Now I have to live with what I did. Yes I would do it again so........

Venting

Ok vent time...just tired of dealing with Mark's bullshit! I hate him right now and someone needs to shut his mouth quick.

RDH

So happy to say I found an old RDH buddy on here Go Kevin!

The men of this blog

I had some one make a comment about the guys I mention in here so here they all are and there is more than 4.
Chandler Reed: My friends husband

Carrot Top: my ex and still friends

Mark: My other sometimes better half sometimes not

Scott aka Scooter: A old friend of mine whom I havent spoken to in years and one of my muses

Kevin Pittman: Another muse whom a few of these blogs has been written for

Craig: My dear friend that lives Down Under

Jeffery: My birth father whom I am looking for


Have I missed anyone??

Shadows

You said if I were to dissapear you would look for me. How lond will it take for you to give up, how hard are you gonna try to find me? If I dissapeared I will tell you one thing I would not go far from you. EVER again. You may not see me but I will be there in the shadows and the darkness. Watching waitng for my time to come out and see you again. 

Truth

I see the truth in these people that call them selfs my friends. They dont see what has happend to me how I have changed. They still see the fake smile and think all is good. They are blind to the truth. I wish they could see the real me. I wish they could see the "tracks of my tears" 

Round and round

You ever feel like there are two of you inside your head? I feel that alot lately one of me wants to keep the vows I made years ago while the other wants to pack up an run. One of me wants to stay and endure everything while the other could care less about what happens if I do leave. One of me is in pain the other wants to be happy. One of me has shame while the other is free. One of me wants nothing but die while the other wants to fight. One of me is right while one of me is wrong. We keep going round and round inside my head driving me crazier than I already am. Yet one of me deny s that there are two of me while the other screams to be heard. I hate having two voices in my head cause I no not which to listen to and which to ignore. Cause I know neither of them are right and neither are wrong. I hope in writing this I don't offend anyone or hurt there feelings if so sorry. 

Hey Scott!!!

I hope you are one of my followers. If so get off your ass and get a voice mail system at the hospital please. I don't feel right calling the house, ya know. Even though I did once hung up on your machine sorry. LOL so um get a voice mail please

Anger and Sadness

As I sit here looking at my air force knife thinking about a promise I made not more than a week ago, thinking of breaking that said promise because I am there yet again. I know this crap is what drove us apart yet neither of us will ever admit it.  But nothing would be better than where I am right now. Being gone is  safer than being here. And as I type theses words think of my lover, my family and far away friends. Everyone wants be to be someone I am not or to change or not change something about me. Why I cant I be me and make everyone happy? I am talking about weight loss gain how I look how I speak. Everything is up for grabs. Where I am  now there is NO love found. Anger and distrust roam freely. Everything I want to do ie go somewhere with someone anyone causes a fight hell half the time I cant go anywhere by myself. So as I sit here thinking about the promise made and am about to break, I know you are reading this sometime today and I know you will be mad at me and I am sorry. But what else can I do?? If I break my promise will you still love me and talk to me? We shall see tonight.

Numbness

Sometimes I wish the numbness of my life would just dissapear. I know I feel it because I am uncomfortable with what I should be feeling. IE talking about God with my friend Craig. 

Long time coming

Well its been along time coming but the meeting may be happening at the end of July. Yes I am nervous who wouldn't be. Kinda wish my buddie Kevin or Chris or Scott will be there but I know that wouldn't happen

The Demon and The human

There is a human here whom is ordanary as the sky. There is a human here who cares and loves. There is a human here who thinks and breaths. There is a human here who is not perfect, who makes mistakes. The human is me.

There is a demon here. There is a demon here who is good by day and evil by night. There is a demon here who has many faces. There is a demon here who helps yet hurts. He does not steal soles but makes them stronger. The demon is me.

Today

Today is a good day. No depression no nothing. Even though my grandmother died no sadness at all.  I think the doc would worry about that, but I don't. I kind of want to be back where I was before RDH. I don't wanna feel anymore. I really don't want those "pics" to come back but we shall see what happens.

Addiction

My biggest Addiction  would be horror movies. The bloodier the better. You can even ask Dr. Siegall that one. I still remember the time RDH as a group went and saw "Red Dragon" in theaters. Man I freaked out a little but now I am hooked again.!

Me, myself and I

OK figured it was time I gave a little more information about myself.  I was adopted at birth to the Haugaard family and now am married with four kids. I had some issues with being adopted so I went to see Dr. Scott Siegall outta Chicago, IL and was diagnosed with "psychotic disorder not otherwise specified" yes that is in the DSM IV look it up yourself I did. So I did some time at Rush Day Hospital run by a group or great people: Kevin Pittman, Scott Siegall, Cheryl Lafferty, Peggy Thomas, Chris, Sonny, Kim, TeAnna, and more.
So I finally found my birth family of the Pitvorec's with my father being Jeffery Harold Hardison. Man it is scary to know this information. Also mentioned in this blog is a gentleman by the name of Craig Ballinger, now he lives manly in Sydney, Australia. I met him at a YMCA camp in Michigan of all things. There now you have some background information on me.
            Later,
                         Lil Pitt

Dr Siegall

See Cheese Doc!

If you are reading this then welcome back to the insanity of my mind.  Do you still have the thinking statue?  Did you ever notice your initials carved in the bottom. As you read you can tell I have relapse slot and have no doc or t-bird or even Cheryl.  I hope all is well in IN. and say hey to K.D.P for me as well.

Demons

All of my past demons have come back to haunt me... I was joking to a friend of mine mostly because I think she thinks I am a goodie goodie two shoes. HA! If you knew half of what I have done / want to do you would freak.  The sh**t I have done and caused to happen. I keep asking for forgiveness and yet turn right around and do it again. I had beaten them for awhile and now they are back with vengeance.