Please

As the music group Five Finger Death Punch best put it “I am doing this for myself.”  Meaning I am sick of trying to make everyone happy because it will never happen. The world can not and will not see “eye to eye” on anything, and NEVER will.  Those that preach it don’t live it. Those that live it don’t preach it and so on and so on.  I am sick of not being me just to make everyone else happy so no more.  

Label::Chandler Reed

OK you are seeing allot of posts this the label Chandler Reed well these posts are more like messages I  cant say to his face.  I am a chickenshit sometimes.

I used to

I used to care what happened to you and I still do to a point. But there is no longer a crush involved. I hate to be this way but you are gonna get screwed if you don't watch out for you self. PLEASE go back to AL now while you still can

Confession and prediction

This is what WILL happen I hate to say this but it will.  {He comes to our door in tears.  “She took off with everything. I know she did not like you guys but I got over it. I am moving back home with my family.  My girls are gone her dad says he does not have a clue where she went, but I don’t buy it for a minute.  I just wanted to say sorry for all the shit she caused.”  “What do you mean she is gone with everything?” I ask him.  “She took everything outta the apartment, clothes, my dog tags, my navy ring everything.”  He replies.  “Hey um before you go dude, I need to say something, just don’t go have me thrown in jail for it alright?” I say. “No I wouldn't do that you guys didn't do that to me and I owe you for that one.” He says. “Well Amanda didn't take everything, ya know. I hate to say this but I had a feeling she was going to do this long time ago, so I may have taken I few things just in case I was right.” I reach into my pocket and give him his navy ring and one out of two of his dog tags.  “What, when, how?” he asks. “Hey you used to bitch about Ella and Ben never taking care of their stuff, and yet you don’t even realize your stuff was missing!? Ha.” }

forgiveness

I know we are supposed to forgive everyone for what wrong they do to us. But is there a line you dont cross? I know I need to and so does my other half to forgive someone but I know it wont happen. I wish I could make him forgive this person but I know it will not happen...my other half cant even forgive his family for crao that happend 15 yrs ago. I am doomed. I want him to forgive this person because I want them back as friends. Any suggestions?

Fears

Being in the line of work you are listening to what the people say must be hard. Who do you tell you secrets too? How do you deal with the darkness of their minds while you are trying to help them deal with it? Do you ever get scared? Do you ever think now why didn’t I think of that? I would be afraid of learning to much information on how to move towards the darkness we all have inside us.

Sleep

I don’t sleep anymore. No that’s not right I sleep by laying down and closing my eyes but I don’t feel like I slept the next morning. I dream mostly about you. I miss you as a friend. I wish things turned out differently. In the back of my mind I hear Scott yelling at me this is wrong not right. I need to stop all this wishing and just make things right. Or at least talk to you. “What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?” is what he is saying in my mind. Oh how I miss you two guys. Well I need to get over my fear and just talk to you.

Time to vent

I am so frusted in hearing all the rumors and bullshit flying around west park its not even funny!  I miss talking to you guys all the time. You told me we were cool even though I think you may have said the crap running around just to save face. But one rumor I know is true and you do need to kill it before you get in trouble and thats Kelly living with ya. If Lori or Pat hear about it you toast.  Be CAREFUL who knows your bussiness as you can tell its going around AMANDA!

Spin cycle Doc

I am following him everywhere like a shadow. Got a call from 3west. To get there I had to slide under a door into a spinning vortex that warped to a set of stairs that I now have to chase him up. Run Scott run

Chandler Scott Reed

Hey I have a feeling if this is read other than by Craig its ASR so here it goes... I am sorry for what ever will happen and has happened. I PRAY you guys got what we got and that is all. Um I understand how mad you are at us, and yes we did change the story to what you asked us to do. But the fact of the matter is even have been given permission Chandler was not allowed to do what he did. Because I did NOT have the ability to give permission in the first place. We miss you guys as friends my kids miss you too. Bye

DTN

Looking at you I feel I have let you down... All the wrong choices I have made haunt me still.
I wish to go back and undo everything I did wrong, but to do that would mean I might never have met you.
And to do that might mean I don't end up where I am now. I wish I could just undo the regret I have. And as Steven Curtis Chapman put it best "Be truly Free"

Get outta my head aka CSR's song

Get outta my head
Get outta my head
Get outta my head
GRRRRRRRRR
You are driving me crazy I know
I cant keep you outta my dreams and nightmares
Get outta my head
Get outta my head
Oh please wont you get outta my head
 I see you come and go daily
 looking back at me everytime
Waiting for something to go wrong
But ya gotta know you are driving me nuts at the same time. I gotta get you OUT of my head

What you want

You want to kill him don’t you?

That’s why every time wither you are coming or going you look up towards me.

You are looking for an excuse to deal with him.

And you don’t even know half of what he has done.

I hate to say this but someday you will get your chance.

Watching me

I see you watching me from a far. Yet you do not know are.

Demons

All of my past demons have come back to haunt me... I was joking to a friend of mine mostly because I think she thinks I am a goodie goodie two shoes. HA! If you knew half of what I have done / want to do you would freak.  The sh**t I have done and caused to happen. I keep asking for forgiveness and yet turn right around and do it again. I had beaten them for awhile and now they are back with vengeance.

Pfft

Sitting here wondering what if? What if... I never got married
What if... I never left home

Lately

I have been in a fog as of late..cant figure out the date even. Tired and wired at at the same time. Frustrated of the life I am living wanting a new way out. Wishing I had never done some of the things I have done, and wanting to do stuff I never did. I should of called this post regret.

Awsome

Wish

Wishing you where here and not just in my dreams. How I miss you my friend and your advice is the best still. No matter how far away you go you will be forever with me.

Honor - TEN HUT

To all those who served and are serving thank you. This is a friend of mines brother Rick Nelson who died. I never met him, but I feel I owe him this.

Day by day

Day by day
we wast away
waiting for the day of  new to begin
 Today and everyday

Forever more

I stole this

Did you hear? The world is ending in just a few months!!!






It's true.





Also...





"My car broke down and the car mechanic is ripping me off!"

"The cop gave me a ticket and I was only going 9 over... what a waste of tax dollars. He should be fighting real crime."

"My kids are sick all the freakin' time!!!"

"My boss needs to get a life and stop micromanaging me. Ugh!"

"My phone company needs an enigma. They don't know how to make a decent product!"

"My husband used up ALL the hot water this morning. Selfishness at it's finest."





Every one of us are guilty of complaining about stupid things. Some... way more that others.





I have a friend, Michelle Peterson, who whenever she complains about something on Twitter follows it up with a hashtag #firstworldproblems





I LOVE THAT!





Most every problem that you and I will encounter today, and the next 75 years of our life, will be FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.



True Story: Yesterday, I had an appointment with a guy to come over and finish the HVAC in my almost completed basement. Guess what? He didn't show up. He forgot. Now my entire project is thrown off by a couple of days. Ugh! I think I'm going to shoot someone!!!!!!





Can I suggest something? ......STOP BEING SUCH A DIVA!
 
 
 
Thanks Pasto Dave

Pastor Dave

http://davenelsonsblog.com/

I am going to tell you a story now as it was told to me.... about how you have to think of sin in this world as bullets flying by and having to always doge them.









Two friends where in boot camp together and they had this tough as nails drill Sergent. All day all night didn't matter what they where doing he would yell KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! And every time they heard that they had to drop to the ground and cover up. Breakfast KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! Middle of the night KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!!! Training drills KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! Well they finally got shipped out to war and as they leave the two friends deiced to make a pact. "When we get back we are going to kill our drill Sergent." Well now they are in the middle of a war bullets flying everywhere. The have to climb this mountain as the bullets are flying. One friend says to another "Can you see how much further we got to go?" Other friend goes "No but I am going to look hold on" No sooner than he sticks his head up BAM! He catches a bullet to the side of the head and is killed . His friend starts bawling over the loss of his close friend "oh why oh why didn't you listen Keep you head down. Well he survives the war and goes back to traingcamp . There he finds his old drill Sergent and tells him everything.









So remember KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN and do the right thing.









Oh yeah this sermon was written by Pastor Dave Nelson whom is pictured up top. And his blog is linked to mine.

Days of Old

Each day becomes anew
Each life starts fresh but where do we go when we cant let go of our yesterday?
Our life a muck till we figgure it out, our only way to surrice is let go or die.
Surely we can do this right and win this inner fight

Blood lust

I itch for a bloody fight night after night
I dream of it even
But I come from a long long line of Quakers. So I often wonder where does this desire come from?

Jeffery Harold Hardison

I am looking for you You are my father I want to meet you someday

Hiding

When we have to we hide the truth. From our friends, our family ourselves. I have beed through so much its not even funny anymore. I have had to hide my brusies and my thoughts and my wounds.

Haunted

We are all haunted... by our past our present and our future. Haunted by things we cant even control but wish we could. They say ignorence is bliss not always not always. Somethimes not knowing is what kills us all. So yes I feel haunted today on Easter Sunday of all days. The sprits are moving and I think they are angry.

inshallah

inshallah means God willing

Sara Porto

i am trying to raise the dead wanting so bad to go back in time and save a life of someone i will now never meet. Thinking if i had known u would u still have killed yourself???

     I feel the need to do something.... To pay homage for her. I feel she is trying to speak to me, her family but cant be heard or they r not listening.

RIP Sara

Two faces

The face i show is not my true face. Inside I am screaming in anger and crying in pain. I have two names.... Two thoughts in one body.

Congrats S+C

To Scott and Cheryl,
Can I say first off I always knew you two would end up even before Scott got his first divorice. I knew it...just they way you two were around each other. Congrats again you two. I miss talking with the two of you hope to some day see you guys again for now come by here if you wish  PS oh Scott I still listen to Tracks of My Tears every now and then, plus I still have mu RDH shirt do you?

Later,

You know who.

Searching

Looking for escape. Trying to find where I belong. Looking everywhere and finding no where.

Urges

Do you ever get the urge to do something you know is wrong?  Just do it once and maybe the urges will stop. But its so horid.... the pictures in your mind. The visions in my head are driving me to a point I dont want to go there. There is no voices just pictures and a lot of them. I must not see them. Oh Lord help me

Tuesday night

Tuesday night DG
This site is different than all the other sites for one reason. One night a month the Hindu's are the cooks. And every thing is five alarm and vegan. I can handle the vegan just not the five alarm. 

homeless our story

People have told me to write our story so here we go... PADS in DuPage County is a homless shelter that r located in different churchs basements. Line up at 630 not to be seen a minutd before hiding like a bunch of rats waiting to run into a line till 7pm where then we would b abld to c if there was a place for us there that night.

PADS

When I was younger I had this almost like fantisy of being on the streets. Now that I have actualy been there and done that I have come to realize how lucky I was. I feel now that these spoiled adults who think they have had it hard should try living where I was for two weeks. DuPage county P.A.D.S So this is my story.

Not sure how to best tell so I will go day by day.

guilt

I feel guilty right now because my heart is wanting what I know I cant have. He is taken and so am I. Sighs..had some cyber fun but its not enough, it makes me want more.

Missing

I am missing all my old friends today. I dont know why but I am longing for my past. Dave, Craig, John, Paul and Isaiah. Miss you all

The Boss

		41 shots 41 shots 41 shots 41 shots 41 shots 41 shots 41 shots 41 shots.... and we'll take that ride 'cross this bloody river to the other side 41 shots... cut through the night You're kneeling over his body in the vestibule Praying for his life Is it a gun, is it a knife Is it a wallet, this is your life It ain't no secret It ain't no secret No secret my friend You can get killed just for living In your American skin 41 shots Lena gets her son ready for school She says "on these streets, Charles You've got to understand the rules If an officer stops you Promise you'll always be polite, that you'll never ever run away Promise Mama you'll keep your hands in sight" Is it a gun, is it a knife Is it a wallet, this is your life It ain't no secret It ain't no secret No secret my friend You can get killed just for living In your American skin Is it a gun, is it a knife Is it in your heart, is it in your eyes It ain't no secret 41 shots... and we'll take that ride 'Cross this bloody river To the other side 41 shots... got my boots caked in this mud We're baptized in these waters and in each other's blood Is it a gun, is it a knife Is it a wallet, this is your life It ain't no secret It ain't no secret No secret my friend You can get killed just for living In your American skin
		Copyright © Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP)

How to live

Live right and love another. Live as everyone was your brother or sister. Live like a child and forgive n forget at the drop of a hat. Daily wipe the slate clean so to speak. For we are all family. Truth is truth, right is right.

Beast

The mark of the beast is here. The time of tribulation has begun. Are you ready for the new begining?? Refuse the mark to save your soul. No matter what the cost.

Fear

It makes us weak
Its makes us stong
It fills us with rage
It makes us see
It makes us afraid
It makes us brave

TeAnna

oh how I miss you my dear friend I am putting this up so maybe you would find me. I know its a long shot but ya never know. T-Bird do you still have your bunny rock

Rain

A rain is comming to wash away all the sins of the Earth. To eat awawy at the foundation of us all and to qunich a thirst that -nw-every living thing has.

parents today

Ok so this isnt a very "happy" blog, I write how I feel and thats that. You can like it or hate it I dont care. But any way time for me to get to the point. Parnets today... are so scared of lossing their kids to the system they will let there kids get away with murder if it means not going in to foster care. IE we live in public housing we have had four year olds get run over cause there parents arent watching them. But when one kid brings a perring knife on to a school bus there is the time I feel dcfs of child protection needs to be called. Not for spanking a child or sending them to bed with no dinner. I understand that the bringing a knife to school was a cry for help and yet no one is helping

no title

I have no title for this post, its realy just to say there is too much death around here this week. Sorry all

the labels on here

I figgure I had better explain on of my labels on here RDH Rush Day Hospital. Is when I was on a pschy ward and the post with that label were written during that time

The Darkness within.

One of my jouranls I have title "the Darkness with in my mind". These postings will never get over a five outa ten on the darknes within me. Ha my friend Craig said I should not put everything that pops in my head out here and dear Craig I do take your advice, but I also write it down. It seems to help when I do write it out. If only you could see what I dont put on here.

The Howling

The howlng comes into my mind like a bolt of thunder and just as quickly as it is there it is gone. The same with our lives that we live. One moment we are here and then poof we are gone.

Half way

I am half way there. Half way to knowing all I have ever wanted to know. I know my mother just now waiting on my father Jeffery Harold Hardison. He was born 11/1/1960 and thats all I know.

music

Music is life. Its like when a song gets stuck in your head and wont stop repeating until you change it. They say history repeats its self untill we learn from it and change it. Life is like music. I have the song Blind man in my head. The verus is Blind man stood by the road and he cried. oh oh oh

To Scooter/ birdman MD

Hopefuly you are reading this and laughing at the good times we had, mostly at RDH I hope IN is treating you well and enjoy some of the older posts I have on here all labled RDH was written during my time there and cause of you. Thanks again oh and by the way I found my birthparents. Hey say hi to Cheryl for me.

Any given day of the week

The main goal of the day stay warm dry cool depending on the weather. Stay outta trrouble which is hard cause when you are like us it tends to follow you around. Usaly we hide out the the local library. At least till its time to head to the next site. How we get there is up to us. Once we figgure out where we are going we have to find a way there. Either bike car walk hitch hike what ever. Now all of these trasnpo ideas dont come free gota get the money some how. Buss passes are the best except when the busses dont run or you need a train. But the goal of the day must be reached for a place to stay

Monday night

Ah DG monday night where I am keeps me updated on what day it is. Standing in the DG library waiting for the clock to strike 6:30pm, to signal the beinging of the race I run every night. Waiting with the other men and woman that our in my situatuion. Time everybody runs, Yes I got a good place in line. Now we wait till 7oclock and we can actualy go inside. Time we go and sign in pick our bed and get in line for dinner. Tonight is a laundry and shower night double bouns! Dinner good hot food cant complain. 10 o'clock lights out time for bed. 6 am time to do it again

Boredem

Boredmy mind begins to wander at to what could have had I taken a different path. Would I still know the people I know now or would they be complet strangers? Would I have been able to met people that are gone now? Or would I not have met people that I am gratful to have met.

Comments

I will never beg for comments so feel free to leave or not it dont bother me.

IT

It crawls up and down my spine.
It gives me chills and fevers.
It makes me lie cheat and steel.
It makes me do good
It makes me do evil


What is IT??

God's helper***

You were there when I needed you most and didnt even know it. He sent you to me and still does. You have called from great distacnes and you travled many miles. I follow you adventurs wondering when they will lead you here again.

The world we live in.

How can we a people live in this world filled with such hate and violance???e say it dont affect us in the way we live every day. But I know different, I know we become almost ammune to it. Thats because we see it daily, every where we look ie tv, news paper, internet and school. This is the norm for our country.