Honestly

I hate where my life is going. I want to so bad make changes but fear I cant. Not sure how to fix this either. My writtings and dreams keep getting darker and darker.

Stupid

I am stupid there I said it. I cant control myself anymore it seams. 

Push

pushing pushing you away pushing pushing you closer to me. Cant deside where I want you and I to be. Lifte me up so I can find the answers. Gona go insane yes sir gonna go insane even more. You could say I am at a crossroads in my life. I feel like its time for me to go to war, for I was born for battle

Eyes final

eyes wide open to what my heart is telling me. You and I where never ment to be. I am sorry to say it this way  I cant lie to you or myself anymore. I must embrace the truth. You were my first and always will be but its time I move on. Cant keep up this act anymore. Eyes wide open to the truth, what I need is not what I want. I am no hero to these kids but I will not give up on them either or there father. Eyes wide open to knowing this is not what you want to hear. I will always love you my dear. Eyes wide opne to the fact you wanna know why. I feel we have drifted apart once again. So tired to trying to stay "afloat" to stay with you and him, I cant tell the lies anymore that I have to, to keep him happy. Why must I lie because he hates you so. For everything you did. Eyes wide open to the fact that even as I write this line I wish I was with you. AAHHHH cant deal with this shit much more. Eyes wide open to how I feel. I need someone to come save me, save me now. Save me from myself once again. The end is HERE!

Change

I am who I want to be as dark as I want to be. This will never change so stop trying to change who I am. I love what I think and feel and write. I cant change just to blend in and be normal. So tired of everyone wanting me NOT to be me but them. Sorry mates but I will never change who I am. I am a thief and a liar this I do want to be different. 

On The Hunt

Now the hunt shall begin for Jeffery Harold Hardison. Like it or not I am looking for you.

Here

Well here I am sitting at my mothers wow

tired

I am tired of the fighting I go thru on a daily basis. tired of never haveing what is needed and haveing to sell what I own to get what is needed.

dissapear

If I were to stop calling, writting and texting would you be worried?

its time

Its time to end this sencond life I have been living. I need to re-foucs my life on my family and God. Mark has been trying to change and I need to accpect that and try to change with him

the end

sorry but I am done with this, all of it.

Meaning

As I sit here today I search...for meaning in this life. I cant find my purpose and with out it I feel lost. Wanting so much but not knowing where to look. Whats the meaning of it all?

why?

why do we have aniversys of horable dates in our hidtory? 9/11 that kinda thing. Seems stupid in some ways

Angel and Demons

I go to church on Sundays. I believe in God. Just and I know I am gonna get crap from you Craig on this one. I cant think that all Angles are good and all demons are bad. That's something I cant believe. I am not sure why. I know they are both real too, for I have seen both.

stupid!

When your asses get thrown out on the street dont come crawling to me! Well ok maybe you Chandler cause I bet you are against housing them kids and possably mom. but if she that dumb use it and get ut

play time

I play with fire and knifes. i will play with your lifes. I wont play with mine. If I wanna die I will if I wanna live I will. So lets play

Demons

My demons attack me anyway they. in my dreams its nightmare re-living all the horros I have already gone thru. How many times have I almost died at the hands of Mark? To many to count. supprizingly I have yet to had a broken bone or end up in the hospital.

good

what good is life if you cant enjoy it? what good is it to live if all your life does is bring you pain? None not a damn bit of good!

mobile posts

i dont know if you can tell how I post these blogs but if I use my phone they will always be short lol

unknown title

wandering minds lead to wandering fingers and hands. wandering hands lead to knives cutting. outta frustraion outta pain outta fear they all lead to the cutting that I do. so much pain so many scars

tex

being in a abuse realtionship sucks plain and simple. you never know when the next kick, punch bite(if they have teeth) slam throw is comming. you learn how weak you are.

window

I look out the window longing for an escape. Wanting to be free once again. Missing the life I had before. Wishing a thousand wishes to go back in time undo what has been done. Alias I know I can not undo the road I have taken so I stick to my guns and will finish what I started.

the end

gonna be offline for awhile. going ''dark'' my bags are packed and I am gone. so long far well time for this one to leave

Window

 look out the window longing for an escape. Wanting to be free once again. Missing the life I had before. Wishing a thousand wishes to go back in time undo what has been done. Alias I know I can not undo the road I have taken so I stick to my guns and will finish what I started.

Eyes

Eyes wide open to all the pain I have caused. More and more every single day. These words cant explain the guilt I feel. One more time one more dime one more cut one more bleed. Eyes wide open to the things that need to change. Happiness is not a dream but can be real. Over and over everyone tells me so. That I must leave the darkness I so fondly love. That I must enter the light to save my soul.

Truth

I will not be censored. I will not be quite. I will not be stopped. Till the truth is out there and it is known to all. Wishing I could just come out and say it in plain English, knowing that will never happen. Can't happen. Not sure why I have to use these riddles and rhymes but I do. I have no choice.  Missing you loving you is also I thing I do. Yes I may cut still but I fight harder to resist now because of you love. Cant wait to be together again. -Lori-

Stolen

Josh Pitvorec: Trust Me All The Money in the World Could Never Take Away the Pain On Inside.

Frustrated

My month has been plagued with nightmares. The sad thing is they have one thing and person in common. No matter how they start he always dies :'-( makes me cry and scream. 

Blade

As I draw the smooth blade against my skin, breaking promieses made once again
I feel sorry for breaking them, but not for my actions. Hating feeling like this hating it all.
I cant sleep for the nightmares have become way to real. I want to stay up all night but I cant.
So how can I sleep with out the possablity of dreaming?
Stop and think because I will not say it.
To the one I promiesd this would not happen again; there was nothing you could do to stop me.
I am truly sorry I had to do this but its the final time.
I will always love you :-*

Escape cont...

I know as some of you read this you will be pissed off at me, oh well.
I have been given a exit outta this deadly marriage I am in. And yet I refuse to take it for one selfish reason.
I have been planing a trip and I dont want to loose that trip if I split up with him. Because I know he will not watch our kids so I can go on this trip.
So I lie and tell him he is forgiven and yada yada yada. I am pretty sure he wants out now too, but we are both to suborn to admit it. So I have a war going on inside of me. Do I tell the truth and risk not getting what I want to be safe? Or do I do what I have been doing pretending its ok. I ask him to change and all I get in return is how its my fault what he does. To do this trip means alot to me and other people but to stay where I am is not safe. 

Two

Two lives

Two very different people

Inside one body, mine

Not sure who is right or who is wrong

Dont really wanna know either

I love being Lori

I hate Susan

In essence Susan is dead.

There is ONE of me now

Lori Ann Pitvorec

Eyes 3

Eyes wide open
Here we ago again
Round and round I go
fighting and fighting forever more.
This time is the last time I will do this gain@!
Can't bear the pain any more
Eyes wide open
That my death is very near
Yes I am ready to go
Wanting and wating for my life to change
Knowing while hopeing it NEVER will
Eyes wide open
As I fall asleep one last time
Even you couldnt save me this time
I am so sorry for everthing I put you thru
Hope one day you can forgive as I have you
Eyes wide open
As its time for me to say goodbye

Death

Sitting on the edge ready to jump
Not carring anymore about who I would leave behind
Not being able to take this pain in my heart and body anymore
Wanting to end it all
What makes me stop???

Ice

Sitting here feeling the cold icy fingers of death creap over my skin. I always wondered what it would feel like, to die just for a little bit.
I have always liked the cold and know I why. Curious though I want to know more,  take it one step futher. Yet I hestate, always my mind awakens me at the last second.
I guess its not my time, just yet. Soon maybe but not now. 

Blood

The blood and pain flow. Over and over I go. Down and down I climb the ladder of life to death. Thinking only of what I leave behind in this world. What I have already lost and gained. What and whom will miss this one person?? I ask this as I dissapear forever into the night.

Two in One

Two lives

Two very different people

Inside one body, mine

Not sure who is right or who is wrong

Dont really wanna know either

I love being Lori

I hate Susan

In essence Susan is dead.

There is ONE of me now

Lori Ann Pitvorec

Haunting me!

Now I got two of you haunting me. Guys I love ya both but quit, or at least outta my dreams. Reed your's are 90% nightmares and Carrot top well we wont dissucus that in the open ;-)

Reed, Chandler

Dude you have got to get outta there. She bitches at me about what he does when she does the same thing. Only worse I leave the house for say 5min and he txting and waking up my ex in TX trying to find me!! UGH!

mouse

We miss you

i am

i cant stop and dont wanna stop. for some its food or smoking or other stupid shit. me I cut

Peace

Longing for that peace full easy feeling

I have been to the edge and back looking

For that peacful easy feeling

No matter how hard I look

Or where I look

I can not find it any where

War

War

We are fighting a war

We are fighting a war in our own country

What are we fighting for?

Have we all gone mad?

Have we reached the point of no return?

Maybe yes and maybe no

Is this the end my friend?

We are fighting a war in our schools and homes

When will the war end?

Time

They say time flys when you are having fun. Well I dont have that problem a whole lot it crawls Like I will look at a watch and say there is no way only a minute has passed

No way

No way out...

No way out not even death can save us from our own hell

No way out

Not fire nor brimstone

but hell in our own minds

that which we will never escape

Pittman

The Human and The Demon

There is a demon here

There is a demon here calling my name, Kevin

There is a demon here who is good by day and bad  by night.

There is a demon here who has many faces

There is a demon here calling my name, Kevin

There is a demon here who helps yet hurts

There is a demon here calling my name, Kevin

He does not steal soles but makes them stronger

There is a demon here

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

There is a human here

There is a human here calling my name, Kevin

There is a human here who is as ordinay as the sky

There is a human here who cares and loves

There is a human here calling my name Kevin

There is a human here who thinks and breaths

There is a human here calling my name Kevin

There is a human here who is not perfect

There is a human here calling my name Kevin

There is a human here who makes mistakes

There is a human here

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

There is a demon here

There is a human here

Our name is that of one man

Our name is Kevin Pittman

Our name iso our life

Our name is our death

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

There is a demon here calling my name

There is a human here calling my name

O' Lord help me

Help me to listen to the true me

Help me be me

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

Kevin

Quotes 2

"enter the darkness and become weary of the light" -LP-

"Broken promises show broken promise makers" -LP-

"Those that live by the night cant stand the day" -LP-

"Do not conform to the ways of the world" -Pastor Dave Nelson-

"Bed time is bed time is bed time"  -Kevin Pittman-

"Whats done is done and can not be undone" -LP-

"I'm a nerd and a smart ass.....and damn PROUD of it!!!" –Ben DeBoest-

Shadows

You said if I were to dissapear you would look for me. How lond will it take for you to give up, how hard are you gonna try to find me? If I dissapeared I will tell you one thing I would not go far from you. EVER again. You may not see me but I will be there in the shadows and the darkness. Watching waitng for my time to come out and see you again. 

Sermon

**First off I have to say I am not the orginal writter of this sermon so I have to give creidt to one Pastor Dave T. Nelson**

Two men go boot camp together lets call them Dave and Ricky. (I have to give them names sorry Dave) They get this real hard butt drill instor. His favorte thing of all is yell "Get your head down" 2am they just get to sleep he comes in yelling "Get your head down" they have to roll outta bed hit the floor and cover there heads. "Get your head down" in the mess hall line. Drop to the floor and cover there heads. "Get your head down" "Get your head down""Get your head down" Finaly they had enough and started to say they were going to kill there Drill Instior. Ah but before they could they got sent into battle. Guns blazing hard on fire fight. Dave and Ricky ger seprated from the rest of there squad. Crawling hands and knees to a hill. They start crawling up the hill bullets still flying here, there, everywhere. They keep climbing these brothers in arms. Up, up and up they climb. To where Ricky says" we gotta be almost there man I am gonna look" Dave "No keep your head down man" they keep climbing. Finaly it seems that the shooting has stoped. Ricky again says " I am gonna look" Dave "No keep your head down man". This time Ricky does not listen and puts his head up. BAM! Ricky gets shot in the head. Down he goes. Dave looks at his friend and says "Why didnt you listen man!" Dave gets outta the war zone and sent home. Where he goes to his Drill instor who is still yelling "Get your head down!" Dave walks over tom him and tells him everything the plan to kill eveything. Dave says "Thank you" insted of pulling a gun.

As I said this is/was a sermon and the rest of it goes like this. We are in a fire fight evey minute of every day. We must keep our heads down as not to get shot. I dont mean by reall bullets but bullets of sin.

Thank you Pastor Dave Nelson

Fire

Fire washes away the old

Fire makes anew

Ashes to Ashes

Old to new

Bad to Good

Fire creeps over me

Taking me in
The flames like me

(yes its an oldie but still)

Fear

Why are we so scared to die?

Is it because we dont know what happenes?

Why do we let frear run us?

Why does it matter?

I say I welcome death with open arms and people call me crazy

I am not saying I wanna die

And will go easy

But I am saying I am not afraid and for ever more

Gonna live my life in fear

Beacause that's not living

Is it?

Escape 2

Watching my kids kill each other is not a good thing. I need an escape and need one now! Going insane trying to keep everyone happy never worrying about my self always putting my self last and behind. Gotta get out gotta get out that is my new mantra. Gotta get out. This is not a family this is a curse. Gotta run Gotta hide Gotta escape Gotta get out Gotta get out Gotta get out nowwwww!!! Not likeing where I am and who I have become. Hating what this world has turned me into. Gotta get out Gotta get out Gotta get out I need as escape and I need it now!!  Gotta get out Gotta get out Gotta get out God help me someone help me get outta here now. I knew it would end this way. Gotta get out Gotta get out Gotta get out

Days of Old

Each day becomes a new.

Each life starts fresh but where do we go when we cant let go of our yesterday?

Our life a muck till we figure it out. Our only way is to let go or die.

Surely we can let go,

Right?

Darkness

Darkenss scares me

Darkness calms me

Darkness is me

I am darkness

Some times I feel like a vampire must when exposed to the light

It blinds and burns

I try to be more in the light, like you told me

But the more I try for light the more dark I seem to get

CSB

Your passion in people is unbeleveable. Your passion in Christ is unstopable. To go around the world not knowing where you're next meal, job or place to sleep...Wow not many men can do what you do.

Change

This has to start getting better I cant take much more of this bullshit. Its one thing to be abused by your husband but a totally another to be your own kids.

Calm

We are in the calm before the storm. Before the rain starts to fall. Before the blood starts to flow. We are in the calm of the storm and it shall be BIG.

Bad moon rising

I say there is a bad moon out tonight. He walks among the graves. Don't leave tonight I am told. Yet I must, must find my part in this place. Blood of my blood where are you my brothers and sister? I call bu tyou do not answer my cries.

Amen

Loving you missing you wanting to be with you forever more. Cant take this waiting much more. Going insane, waiting, wanting, needing. Gotta get out of here to save my soul. Lord help me I need you now. I have never been good at waiting and praying well I suck at it to say the least. But your son's Craig and Ben have been sending me you word and guiding me thru this hell I am in. Thank you for them and all the others. 

2 roads

Each day we live we face going down one of two roads. Life or death basically  Now common sense says life but for those whom choose Death what happens to those left on the main road. And could it have been avoided.

Peace

if war is a drug maybe i am addicted to the fighting. and that is why I will never have peace

lies

Sometimes I think thats all you can do is tell me lies Grow up Mark

You say

you say you know me, huh if so way 9 times outta 10 are you to late to stop me? You say you love me but do you even know me? you say you understand me craziness when I don't, so how cam you   say you know me at all?

Faceless man

Tired of not sleeping always running from the Faceless men they chase me all night and all day too. They have no faces I mean just blank no nose mouth eyes nothing I used think they were not real till I started seeing them walking the streets with me. How do I get rid of these demons again? Had lost them for awhile and now with everything else they are back. 

Lori

I say things in these blogs that may not make sence to anyone and I mean anyone besides me. Even those that think they can understand what I am trying to convey get confused sometimes. I write these to um exercise my demons so to speak. (Craig)  So yes I put alot of myself out here in these blogs but hey I enjoy it sometimes. Look if anyone likes it or hates it let me know. If I scare the shit outta ya let me know. There is a gentalman trying to turn Eyes wide open into a song I hope he does it. More power to ya if he does.I just want to get this shit outta my head. Thats all I am trying to do. I have tried telling other people directly and have gotten into major trouble, so I write this way. To my knowlege Lori Pitvorec does not exist but thru me. So this is my pen name. If there is a Lori Pitvorec tell me now so I dont screw up her life.

Thanks, Lori

Haunted

Why am I haunted so? This urge is so strong to rid myself of these demons and ghosts. No one hears my crys for help. No one understands me and mine. Why am I haunted so? Not wanting these evil thoughts in my head anymore, wanting to get rid of them all. Why am I haunted so? Needing an exit needing a someone to save me from myself once again. Why am I haunted so? I cant seem to fight this battle anymore. So tired never sleeping so tired never eating. Always in pain always afraid. Why am I haunted so? Not wanting this anymore not needing this anymore. So ready for a change that will never come. Hating evey minute of every day. Why am I haunted so? Wanting just to sleep my life away. Needing someone right now to tell me I wil surive this trial by fire and steel. Why am I haunted so? Is it cause you are not here with me? Because I pushed you so far outta my life you will never understand never know? Something is wrong I feel it in my soul or do I even have one? Why am I haunted so? I need someone to show me the light again, to show me the way home. With my eyes wide open I need to take that so called leap of faith and jump into the nothingness that awaits me. I can not be postive no matter how hard I try I end up back in the darkness in the shadows of life and death. 

Truth

I see the truth in these people that call them selfs my friends. They dont see what has happend to me how I have changed. They still see the fake smile and think all is good. They are blind to the truth. I wish they could see the real me. I wish they could see the "tracks of my tears" 

Defending

So tired of defending him to everyone everyday. I know I should just stop and let him sink or swim but I cant force myself to do that. Why I dont know. I have always felt the need to defend the "weaker" ones. Now he may not be less strong than me in the physical way but in other ways I feel I have to rescue him.I have done this since I can remember. How do I stop doing this thing I hate most? How do I stop defending when we wont defend me? I want out but could never surrender.

follow

I will follow you to the ends of this horrid earth and beyond. Just to see your face, just to feel your touch, just to hear your voice means more than life its self right now. Yes I cut yes I bleed yes I wanna die but only if I cant see you again. I know I said that this would never happen but I lied. I cant survive much more like this and I dont wanna scare you just tell the truth that's all. Make my self see the truth I can not see.

Escape

To escape this life I live means I have to die
Death is my only escape
Escape because no one cares
No one but you that is
So my death I know will hurt the one I love most
But alais I see no other routes
He will hunt me down
To the ends of Earth he will follow
Just to bring me back again
Ducking and running I have already done
That is not the way out
The police will not stop him
God will not stop him
And I for sure can not
Death is my only escape
One day I hope you can forgive me
One day I hope I can be free
I have grown tired of trying to hide the brusies
I have grown tired of trying to hide the self inflected cuts on my arms
I have grown tired of his cruel words and mocking
I am tired of lying to you and everyone else about these wounds I carry
No matter what I do
Death is my only esacpe
Maybe one day things will change
Maybe one day he will go to far
Maybe one day I will care again
Cause right now I could care less
But yet I still lie and steal
I still cover for him
When will I learn
When will I become brave again
And fight for my life
I know how to beat him
I know all his weak spots
I am to scared to use them
Cause if I do I become him
Death is my only escape

Hide

Hiding with in myself

Music seems to bee a good escape from this reality called life

Hiding within myself not carring any more not wanting to care anymore

Keep writing you say but it dont seem to do any good anymore so tired of the hiding game 

Ready to call it quits

dreams

hating this life I am stuck in wanting my dreams to be real. My life is my nightmare my dreams are my life. Would rather sleep forever than be where I am now.  Wishing for a way to awak from these nightmares called my life and start living my dreams

eyes wide open 2

Eyes wide open hating the way you made me feel one of these days you will see the truth. One of these days we will all know the truth of why I am the way I am. Eyes wide open cause I am scared to sleep Never ever again will I fall. No one can save me from my own hell Have to keep going to find the truth in all the lies I have been told. Eyes wide open to the face that everyone has lied to me.Crying harder now than ever before trying to resists the urges running thur my head, Trying to put this damn knife down.Even you cant see my total pain. Eyes wide open to the rawness I do not like. Would rather die than feel this way again.Cant take much more of this pain I feel wanting it to end right now. No more tears no more sorrow no more pain ever again Curse you for making me feel this way Wondering why do I do this to myself wanting answers I never will get Eyes wide open to why I had all those walls up. Feeling shit I never wanted to feel. Hearing shit I never wanted to hear Learning shit I never wanted to learn Eyes wide open to the fact I will never be normal never ever be like everyone else in the world always gonna be alone. Crazy and looney that is me by default hating it but knowing its fact Feeling the cold steel against my skin what a release it can bring. Eyes wide open to how I will die. God only knows what can save me. Wanting to escape this hell called life not wanting to die but dont know what else is there. Dont know if I can wait till Oct to find out the truth wanting to find these answers that will haunt me till I am gone. Always know that I loved you and have never been right minded. Eyes wide open to the fact of death coming soon  Eyes wide open not caring anymore Eyes wide open wanting to run Eyes wide open to all the pain I feel Getting closer everyday to the end