Last drawing

My art work

Doc

Hey Doc I love the new pic!!!

Scott

Hey we had a scare tonight thought we were loosing the kids because of Samanthas behavior latley. After the MHW left I was so scared I went into my room to cut myself and as soon as the blade touched my skin my phone rang with a text message from Ben. Which of course made me put the knife down  b/c I knew he would be pissed off if I did it. Thanks Ben I owe you once again.

Normal

I know my life is not normal and never has been. I am not normal by any means, I cut myself, have fist fights with my husband, am in love with another man not my husband. All I really want is to be normal one day

Mother Fucker

Mother fucker...is it so wrong to want peace in my house??? I cant take much more of this bullshit from my kids and  Mark! She is turning into her father choking her brothers and sister hitting kicking throwing shit ugh. I hate this life I am in and want out now! Why does she do this why does he do this. They both see no wrong in what they are doing! She I dont think feels remorse what do I do??

Hate

Cant stand hidding anymore. Cant stand being here anymore I want to go somewhere else anywhere at this point. Hate my life hate my husband ready to move on its just not happening

Chandler's fight song

Five Finger Death Punch - Back For More 

Let's it get on!
It's time to get in the game,
You gotta fight 'til it hurts and then you do it again
Let's tear it up!
I'm staying straight to the core, ain't no room for second place, go big or go home!

Rise!
It's dog eat dog
Rise!
Man versus beast
Rise!
The strong will survive
Rise!
I've got no time for the Weak

It's time to rise up, man up, get back up, never been and won't be broken
Dust off and then come back for more
You've gotta reach down, dig deep, and break ground,
Show them all you won't be beaten
Brush it off and then come back for more!
Come back for more

It's do or die!
Time to settle the score, gotta give it all you got and then you give it some more
There will be blood
You've gotta fight 'til you break, talk a lot of trash and step up to the plate

Rise!
Refuse to give in
Rise!
Ashes to Dust
Rise!
Make 'em remember your name
Rise!
'Cause in yourself you can trust

It's time to rise up, man up, get back up, never been and won't be broken
Dust off and then come back for more
You've gotta reach down, dig deep, and break ground,
Show them all you won't be beaten
Brush it off and then come back for more!
Come back for more

Rah!

It's time to rise up, man up, get back up, never been and won't be broken
Dust off and then come back for more
You've gotta reach down, dig deep, and break ground,
Show them all you won't be beaten
Brush it off and then come back for more
Come back for more

Rah!

My Death My life

My death My life

As the knife tears though my skin and as the blood flows outta my wrists I think about what I am again giving up. What I am destined to repeat once again. As the blood flows faster I think about starting it all over again.  You see I am a suicide destined to repeat my life till the day I die over and over again. Sure I can change somethings but not much and not how it ends. Every time that is the one thing that will never change how and when I die. Every time you come in the room its too late I am already gone. Gone and starting over this misery called life.  Ha what a life I live repeating the same bullshit over and over. The same fights, same abuse, the same everything with no hope to change things. I wish for a new lease on life how can I change this? I start to feel myself fade away once again. Nothing ever changes and nothing ever will. I lay back as the last few drops start to fall and close my eyes. No death is not like a warm welcome blanket its cold and dark and frightful. I have done this so many times I know what happens next, as I wait to be re-born I notice something is different. I am not dying I see the end but am being pulled back this time.
My life can start over for once in a good way
 

Past Shit

All this past shit MIKE is done with. I forgave him and he knows it. I want to be happy for once and where I am now really sucks!!! Read the blogs labeled Chandler Reed and get somewhat of an Idea

Sayings

"Bed time is bed time is bed time"-Kevin D Pittman
"If you are depressed don't listen to country music" -Pastor Shine
"Urge to merge"-Pastor Dave Nelson
"Laptops are rich mans toys" -Joe White
"You should stop smoking" As I light my own -Chandler Reed
"If you knew everything about me you would be me" -Miles Davis and Dr. Scott Siegall
"Keep your head down"- Pastor Dave Nelson
"Go home Susan" -Jon Ball
"If you are on time you are late"- Mr. Teague and Mr. Miller (DGN)

Test

Normally I don't talk about my kids on here but shit they were a real test of everything I had tonight. 3 loads of laundry and a tube of toothpaste down the drain. All with in one hour!!!!!1

Tired

Tired of being here where I am not wanted. Tired of being left out or forgotten. Tired of everyone and everything being ahead of me. Tired of not sleeping and eating. Tired of the crap called my life right now. Tired of no respect or love from everyone that I live with. There is one that does love and care for me at least Thank you so much for always being there.

wish

I dont even try to hide how I feel anymore. I dont hide the cuts and scars anymore The tears are long gone cause I stopped giving two shits I hate how you make me feel! I wish well I am not gonna say what I wish on you

Why

I finaly gather up the nerve to toss him out and the kids now hate me! It seems like I can not catch a break. I hate this!!!!!!!!! Someday I will win

HELP

He is finally starting to seek help but I know its too late. I am scared all the time I dont know what to do  wont leave and I cant call cops cause there are pissed off. 

Red

How can the color of life be the color of fighting? Red the color of blood if you were to paint your walls that would make you fight more

Ha

I am truly a hacker now Bitch

Truth in hidding

Daoine a iarraidh orm cén fáth is féidir liom a ghearradh mé féin? Ní féidir liom a bhaint amach, fiú mé ag déanamh sé go dtí a déanta. Ní féidir liom a bhraitheann an scian gearrtha i dom anois is dóigh liom rud ar bith.

Warning

Ok Mary I hope he sent you to this blog cause girl you are in trouble. If you are fucking with him scamming him you have just pissed off the wrong person. He is my family I love him with all my heart and will hunt you down. I come from a line of fighters and am pissed. You are saying you are in a hospital with no meds and now some loan company calls you but wont give out there information BULLSHIT. You had better come clean to him and stop upsetting and hurting him NOW. Or I am comming after you. He is the sweetest guy in the world has done no one wrong and for you to treat him like this. GRRR run Mary run

Round and round

You ever feel like there are two of you inside your head? I feel that alot lately one of me wants to keep the vows I made years ago while the other wants to pack up an run. One of me wants to stay and endure everything while the other could care less about what happens if I do leave. One of me is in pain the other wants to be happy. One of me has shame while the other is free. One of me wants nothing but die while the other wants to fight. One of me is right while one of me is wrong. We keep going round and round inside my head driving me crazier than I already am. Yet one of me deny s that there are two of me while the other screams to be heard. I hate having two voices in my head cause I no not which to listen to and which to ignore. Cause I know neither of them are right and neither are wrong. I hope in writing this I don't offend anyone or hurt there feelings if so sorry. 

Irish

Cúnamh Dé beidh mé ag maireachtáil an chogaidh Tá mé i

question

 If life is just a dream on the way to death then what is death?

Find me

I think I have truly lost my way now. I don't know where I am or where I am going. Shit even my name is confusing right now. I hate where I have been and hate where I am now. Cant decide what path to choose or if I even have a choice.  Not sure on any thing anymore I just know I want my life to change. I want no more nightmares I want to feel loved I want to feel safe once again. I am tried of being broken down my hands and words. I wanna sleep again in peace. I want to find my true home and true life. Cause this is just a dream on the way to death. Please somebody come find me.

Ice cold

I wake up every moring cold as ice needed my love to come warm me.
Yet missing you is all I can do
Till we are together once again.
But baby I am getting tired of being cold come warm me up

You say

You say she is your girlfriend... but all I ever hear about is how she needs money. So ask your self this...What does she know about me? Have you told her I see her as competition? If so how does she feel to this? Is she willing to fight for you like I am? What do you and her talk about? I want you to take a step back and answer these questions to your self examine what you and her have. What you deiced to do is up to you and I will support you no matter what. Because that's what a real person does in a real relationship.

Comments

Would love to see what people are thinking as they read this maybe even more from you Ben.

two of me

There are somedays I feel that there are two of me. Its crazy I know but its true. I have two men in my life one knows everything the other nothing. How can one be so clueless? 

Missing Child Update

David has come home and is safe now thanks to all that helped

Cold

Cold
I have grown cold once again
I drown out the sounds of my house with my headphones
I have given up trying to fix this mess called my life
I dont feel anything anymore just like before
I dont care anymore
No hate regrets sorrow nothing
No sadness no more feelings
I turn my headphones up to drown out the real world.
I have once again built a wall so I can no longer be hurt

Pretend

I cant pretend to be someone I am not, not any more I hate this fake person

MISSING CHILD -----Been Found!

MISSING:
David Richardson
AGE: 17
Caucasian 
Brown hair
Brown eyes
Height about 5'9
Weighs approx: 160
David also has a small muscular build about him.

David has a big interest in wrestling and MMA fighting.

He was last seen in Bloomington Illinois, near Martin Luther King Dr.
June 20, 2013 leaving Chestnut Health Systems with 2-4 other juvenile children.
He may still be in the vicinity.
I have received tips that he may be in Springfield Illinois.
David has been reported missing.
Anyone with information about David or his whereabouts are encouraged to call the Streator Police Department at
815-672-3111 or a local law enforcement agency.

I can also be reached at
815-992-5777
If you choose to do so you can remain anonymous. I just want my son returned home safely before he gets hurt or hurts someone else.

PLEASE SHARE THIS INFORMATION
You may also contact the
National center for missing and exploited children at
1-800-843-5678

Running

Fighting the urge to run away. I want to so bad just one day not come home. Pretend to go somewhere and then dissapear. Yes I know several people would be worred including my kids but he is driving me insane so much to the breaking point. Ugh nothing physical good or bad since last month. I hate it here I hate him. This is not my life! "Life is a lemon and I want my money back" Meatloaf

Some day

Some day things are gonna change
Some day I will get what I want
Some day my kids will behave
Some day my husband will behave
Some day I will feel like I have done something to better this world
Some day I will be happy

Sleep

They say sleep is a good thing ha not if you cant get none.
I havent gone to bed before 3 am the last two months and I am up by 10am.
One of these days I am gonna sleep again oh well

Finally

My lap top is finally home now I can watch my videos 24/7 he he he

Hey Scott!!!

I hope you are one of my followers. If so get off your ass and get a voice mail system at the hospital please. I don't feel right calling the house, ya know. Even though I did once hung up on your machine sorry. LOL so um get a voice mail please

Talk

Alright  I know the Anger and Sadness freaked out at least one person. I did not wanna do that. So I have other followers besides Ben that freaked I was just venting.

Disappear

If I where to disappear what would you do? Would you cry? 

If I where to disappear what would you do? Would you miss me?

If I where to disappear what would you do? Would you try to find me?

If I where to disappear what would you do?