Saturday, June 29, 2013

Anger and Sadness

As I sit here looking at my air force knife thinking about a promise I made not more than a week ago, thinking of breaking that said promise because I am there yet again. I know this crap is what drove us apart yet neither of us will ever admit it. But nothing would be better than where I am right now. Being gone is safer than being here. And as I type theses words think of my lover, my family and far away friends. Everyone wants be to be someone I am not or to change or not change something about me. Why I cant I be me and make everyone happy? I am talking about weight loss gain how I look how I speak. Everything is up for grabs. Where I am now there is NO love found. Anger and distrust roam freely. Everything I want to do ie go somewhere with someone anyone causes a fight hell half the time I cant go anywhere by myself. So as I sit here thinking about the promise made and am about to break, I know you are reading this sometime today and I know you will be mad at me and I am sorry. But what else can I do?? If I break my promise will you still love me and talk to me? We shall see tonight.

Friday, June 28, 2013

YOU

I hope you know you drive me crazy! Your voice and your texts. Every time we talk or play I feel like its a dream even now as I write this I feel like I am dreaming because I know you will read it. Help me make it feel real please? Love you.

Hiding

I am so tired of hiding but I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I live on the edge of a cliff and I want to just dive right off into the life I want, but I am not sure the life I want is available. But I am going insane wanting what I cant have. I dream nightly of what I want and when I wake I know its not there. And I want to cry because I had the life I wanted at one time and then gave it up for a HUGE mistake. I cry because I cant go back in time to undo what I did. I just want to remove one thing and trade it for another.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

How I ride

This is how I ride...hard and fast, no brakes just speed. Cars move for me! There are no red lights when I ride. I just zone out to the music blasting in my ears. No people cars worries cares. I am finally free. No fear no regrets nothing.

Sly dog

I know what you are doing, took me a little bit but I figured it out. Sure she banned you from my house but not Aaron's right? So you come down hang out there all the time watching my place. When you go in or out always looking. Looking for a sign that he is doing it again and you can make good on your threat.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

War

There is a war brewing. We all must fight in it hell we already are. Every Church every country. Every man woman and child. Its is fought in home,s in schools and in sports.All people together are fighting this war, yet they may not even know it. They are fighting for there souls.

living

Living on the edge is no way to live. Its time I either climb down or jump

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Story time

I hate working here. I hate the stupid punk kids that come through here on there stunt bikes doing tricks and making a huge mess for me to clean up. One of these days I am gonna go out there and give them of my mind. Ahh speaking of the devil here they come. "Its already been a shitty day come on fuckers do your best!!" I yell at them from inside the gas station where I work. Ugh there goes the garbage cans *sighs* might as well go clean it up. As I go outside to start cleaning up the punks run off. I shout "That's right you better take off and don't come back" One of the them as they ride off turns and flips me the bird. "No thanks" I yell back, dumb ass kids. Well things will get better I have a friend coming in from up north that I haven't seen in like 15 yrs. I cant wait to hang out with her again. Anyway I clean up the mess and get ready to go home. "It can always get worst" I remind my self, little did I know what was in store for me the next day.
Well at least I don't see any punks tearing up my lot I think as I get ready to close. And I have a helper tonight too. Yeah! The phone rings and my co-worker grabs it. "If its Sonya tell her it was pretty sane tonight" I tell him. He gives me a thumbs up and hangs up. "Yeah it was her" he says. "You how didn't say much to her how come?" I ask "She didnt sound like she was in a good mood so you know" he reply's. Anyway back to work I go not looking up when the door chimes. I am cleaning the shelves my my co-worker calls me over. "Yeah I am coming what ya do forget the cha..." I stop taking as I am looking at three robbers holding a guns at us wearing full faced ski masks. "Door, lock it." One of them says with a very deep southern drawl. "Yes sir" I reply as I go to lock the door. Thinking in my head I got to get to the regester and grab our gun maybe I can scare them off.I get myself behind the counter only to find the gun is gone." Damn" I think to myself, "now what?" "Hey" goes one of the robbers "Looking for this?" As they hold up our gun from behind the counter. "Ah" is all I can say at this point. Then they start laughing including my co-worker. "Man Ben you should have seen your face when he held up our gun" says my co-worker. "Yeah man thats classic Benihana man"says another whose voice I know but cant place. "Wait a minute this is a joke I say?" "Hell ya" goes the third. "Hey maybe you should show Ben who you guys are so he dont kill someone." says my co-worker. So one by one they take off there masks. The first two I dont know from shit. "And you?" I look to the third one still wearing there mask. "Oh they are shy, before they remove there mask you must swear on your life you wont kill them" Says accent boy. "I promise" I say in a growling voice. The masked figure shakes there head no. "Alright, maybe on Jesse you should swear" he says. "Jesse, my brother?!? Who the fuck are you?!?" I shout. The masked figure walks up to me so we are nose to mask so to speak. I have about hit my bolling point where I am gonna punch is idiot. I stop for a moment as I look in to the masked ones eyes. I know them from somewhere. Feeling braver I reach up and pull the mask off there face. "What the Fuck" barely has time to run though my head when the no longer masked robber is kissing me square on the lips. "Hi babe miss me?" she says as it turns out to be my friend that's coming down next week to see me. Or at least I thought next week. "Surprise" she says. "And now to make my dream come true, you have met Amanda and Chandler now so lets go have some fun"

blind

I am sorry I was to blind to see. I hope you can forgive one of these days.

If I could

if i could i would leave him. hell my nine year old wishes for a
different father. i would for you in a heartbeat but you have someone
now. you are not mine anymore i could bear to c u leave her for me.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Crying

Missing you is more than I can bare.
Longing for your touch once again
Wishing you were here now and forever
Cant wait to see you in Oct my true love

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

FFDP

Truth is spoken in the strangest places for example Five Finger Death Punch (a band) says "If this is free why does it cost so much to live?"

Monday, June 10, 2013

Frustrated

All wound up even a knife cant bring me down. The cuts arent helping dont know what will Flying High no drugs. WTF is wrong with me

Saturday, June 8, 2013

All signs

Celtic Tree Astrology

Celtic Astrology According to
Druid and Ogham Properties

Celtic tree astrology is based on the ancient idea that the time of our births is pivotal to the formation of our personality and behavior.
The spiritually savvy Celts, particularly the druids were expert observers. Over time, they recognized that a child born within a certain season would develop certain qualities. Further, the druids observed patterns in the color and shape of a person's life according to the motions of the moon (their calendar being based on a lunar year) and the season in which we are born.
The system of Celtic tree astrology was developed out of a natural connection with the druid's knowledge of earth cycles and their reverence for the sacred knowledge held by trees. As mentioned on my Celtic Meaning of Trees Page, the druids had a profound connection with trees and believed they were vessels of infinite wisdom.
Carrying this concept a step forward, we can associate the likeness and personality of trees to our own human nature. By doing so, we gather inspired insight and clarity into who we are.
Below I have provided my interpretation of the Celtic tree astrology signs. I hope you enjoy these perspectives as much as I did while writing them. Oh, and don't miss my page on Celtic Animal Zodiac Signs here.
Click on the pictures or links for each sign to learn more about the tree within the Celtic Ogham context.

Your Celtic Tree Astrology Signs and Meanings

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	Birch - The Achiever December 24 - January 20 If you were born under the energy of the Birch you can be highly driven, and often motivate others they become easily caught in your zeal, drive and ambition. You are always reaching for more, seeking better horizons and obtaining higher aspirations. The Druids attributed this to your time of birth, which is a time of year shrouded by darkness, so consequently you are always stretching out to find the light. Birch signs (just like the tree) are tolerant, tough, and resilient. You are cool-headed and are natural-born rulers, often taking command when a situation calls for leadership. When in touch with your softer side, you also bring beauty in otherwise barren spaces, brightening up a room with you guile, and charming crowds with you quick wit. Celtic tree astrology Birch signs are compatible with Vine signs and Willow signs.
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	Rowan - The Thinker January 21 - February 17 Celtic tree astrology recognizes Rowan signs as the philosophical minds within the zodiac. If you were born under the Rowan energy, you are likely a keen-minded visionary, with high ideals. Your thoughts are original and creative, so much so, that other's often misunderstand from where you are coming. This sometimes makes you aloof when interacting with others as you feel they wouldn't understand where you are coming from anyway. Nevertheless, although you may appear to have a cool exterior, you are burning within from your passionate ideals. This inner passion provides inner motivation for you as you make your way through life. You have a natural ability to transform situations and people around you by your mere presence. You are highly influential in a quiet way and others look to you for your unique perspectives. Rowan pairs well with Ivy and Hawthorn signs.
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	Ash - The Enchanter February 18 - March 17 Those born under the Celtic tree astrology sign of the Ash are free thinkers. Imaginative, intuitive, and naturally artistic, you see the world in water-color purity. You have a tendency to moody and withdrawn at times, but that's only because your inner landscape is in constant motion. You are in touch with your muse, and you are easily inspired by nature. Likewise, you inspire all that you associate with and people seek you out for your enchanting personality. Art, writing (especially poetry), science, and theology (spiritual matters) are areas that strongly interest you. Others may think you are reclusive, but in all honesty, you are simply immersed in your own world of fantastic vision and design. You are in a constant state of self-renewal and you rarely place a value on what others think about you. Ash signs partner well with Willow and Reed signs.
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	Alder - The Trailblazer March 18 - April 14 If you are an Alder sign within the Celtic tree astrology system, you are a natural-born pathfinder. You're a mover and a shaker, and will blaze a trail with fiery passion often gaining loyal followers to your cause. You are charming, gregarious and mingle easily with a broad mix of personalities. In other words, Alder signs get along with everybody and everybody loves to hang around with you. This might be because Alder's are easily confident and have a strong self-faith. This self-assurances is infectious and other people recognize this quality in you instantly. Alder Celtic tree astrology signs are very focused and dislike waste. Consequently, they can see through superficialities and will not tolerate fluff. Alder people place high value on their time, and feel that wasting time is insufferable. They are motivated by actionand results. Alder's pair well with Hawthorns, Oaks or even Birch signs.
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	Willow - The Observer April 15 - May 12If you are a Willow sign, you are ruled by the moon, and so your personality holds hands with many of the mystical aspects of the lunar realm. This means you are highly creative, intuitive (highly psychic people are born under the sign of the Willow) and intelligent. You have a keen understanding of cycles, and you inherently know that every situation has a season. This gives you a realistic perspective of things, and also causes you to be more patientthan most tree signs. With your intelligence comes a natural ability to retain knowledge and you often impress your company with the ability to expound on subjects from memory. Willow Celtic tree astrology signs are bursting with potential, but have a tendency to hold themselves back for fear of appearing flamboyant or overindulgent. It is your powers of perception that ultimately allow your true nature to shine, and what leads you to success in life. Willow signs join well with the Birch and the Ivy.
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	Hawthorn - The Illusionist May 13 - June 9Hawthorn signs in Celtic tree astrology are not at all what they appear to be. Outwardly, they appear to be a certain persona, while on the inside Hawthorn's are quite different. They put the term “never judge a book by its cover” to the test. They live seemingly average lives while on the inside they carry fiery passions and inexhaustible creative flame. They are well adjusted and can adapt to most life situations well - making themselves content and comforting others at the same time. You are naturally curious, and have an interest in a broad range of topics. You are an excellent listener, and people seek you out as an outlet to release their burdens. You have a healthy sense of humor, and have a clear understanding of irony. You tend to see the big picture, and have amazing insight - although you typically won't give yourself enough credit for your observations. Hawthorn signs match up nicely with Ash and Rowan's.
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	Oak - The Stabilizer June 10 - July 7Those born under the Celtic tree astrology sign of the Oak have a special gift of strength. They are protective people and often become a champion for those who do not have a voice. In other words, the Oak is the crusader and the spokesperson for the underdog. Nurturing, generous and helpful, you are a gentle giant among the Celtic zodiac signs. You exude an easy confidence and naturally assume everything will work out to a positive outcome. You have a deep respect for history and ancestry, and many people with this sign become teachers. You love to impart your knowledge of the past to others. Oak signs have a need for structure, and will often go to great lengths to gain the feeling of control in their lives. Healthy Oak signs live long, full, happy lives and enjoy large family settings and are likely to be involved with large social/community networks. Oak signs pair off well with the Ash and Reed, and are known to harmoniously join with Ivy signs too.
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	Holly - The Ruler July 8 - August 4Among the Celtic tree astrology signs the Holly is one of regal status. Noble, and high-minded, those born during the Holly era easily take on positions of leadership and power. If you are a Holly sign you take on challenges easily, and you overcome obstacles with rare skill and tact. When you encounter setbacks, you simply redouble your efforts and remain ever vigilantto obtain your end goals. Very seldom are you defeated. This is why many people look up to you and follow you as their leader. You are competitive and ambitious even in the most casual settings. You can appear to be arrogant but in actuality you're just very confident in your abilities. Truth be known, you are quite generous, kind and affectionate (once people get to know you). Highly intelligent, you skate through academics where others may struggle. Because many things come to you so easily, you may have a tendency to rest on your laurels. In other words, if not kept active, you may slip into an unhealthy and lazy lifestyle. Holly signs may look to Ash and Elder signs for balance and partnership.
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	Hazel - The Knower August 5 - September 1If you are born under the energy of the Hazel, you are highly intelligent, organized and efficient. Like the Holly, you are naturally gifted in academia, and excel in the classroom. You also have the ability to retain information and can recall, recite and expound on subjects you've memorized with amazing accuracy. You know your facts, and you are always well informed. This sometimes makes you appear like a know-it-all to others, but you can't help that; you're genuinely smart and usually know the right course of action because of your impressive knowledge base. You have an eye for detail, and like things to be “just so.” Sometimes this need for order and control can lead to compulsive behaviors if left unchecked. You have a knack for numbers, science and things that utilize your analytical skills. You like rules, although you are typically making them rather than playing by them. The Celtic tree astrology sign of Hazel joins harmoniously with Hawthorn and Rowan's.
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	Vine - The Equalizer September 2 - September 29Vine signs are born within the autumnal equinox, which makes your personalitychangeable and unpredictable. You can be full of contradictions, and are often indecisive. But this is because you can see both sides of the story, and empathize with each equally. It is hard for you to pick sides because you can see the good points on each end. There are, however, areas in your life that you are quite sure about. These include the finer things of life like food, wine, music, and art. You have very distinctive taste, and are a connoisseur of refinement. Luxury agrees with you, and under good conditions you have a Midas touch for turning drab into dramatic beauty. You are charming, elegant, and maintain a level of class that wins you esteem from a large fan base. Indeed, you often find yourself in public places where others can admire your classic styleand poise. Vine signs pair well with Willow and Hazel signs.
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	Ivy - The Survivor September 30 - October 27Among other cherished qualities of the Ivy Celtic tree astrology sign, most prized is your ability to overcome all odds. You have a sharp intellect, but more obvious is your compassion and loyalty to others. You have a giving nature, and are always there to lend a helping hand. You are born at a time of the waning sun so life can be difficult for you at times. This sometimes seems unfair because it appears that obstacles are coming at with no prompting on your part. Nevertheless, you endure troubling times with silent perseverance andsoulful grace. Indeed, Ivy signs have a tendency to be deeply spiritual and cling to adeep-rooted faith that typically sees them trough adversity. You are soft spoken, but have a keen wit about you. You are charming, charismatic, and can effectively hold your own in most social settings. Ivy signs are attracted to the Celtic tree astology sign of Oak and Ash signs.
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	Reed - The Inquisitor October 28 - November 24 Reed signs among the Celtic tree astrology signs are the secret keepers. You dig deep inside to the real meaning of things and discover the truth hidden beneath layers of distraction. When there is a need to get to the heart of the matter, most certainly the Reed sign will find the core. You love a good story,and can be easily drawn in by gossip, scandals, legend and lore. These tendencies also make you an excellent historian, journalist, detective or archeologist. You love people because they represent a diversity of meanings for you to interpret. You are adept at coaxing people to talking to you, and sometimes you can be a bit manipulative. However, you have a strong sense of truth and honor so most of your scheming is harmless. Reed people join well with other Reeds, Ash or Oak signs.
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	Elder - The Seeker November 25 - December 23 Elder archetypes among Celtic tree astrology tend to be freedom-loving, and sometimes appear to be a bit wild to the other signs of the zodiac. In younger years you may have lived life in the fast lane, often identified as a “thrill seeker.” At the time of your birth the light of the sun was fast fleeting and so you take the same cue from nature. You are often misjudged as an outsider as you have a tendency to be withdrawn in spite of your extroverted nature. In actuality, you are deeply thoughtful with philosophical bent. You also tend to be very considerate of others and genuinely strive to be helpful. These acts of assistance are sometimes thwarted by your brutal honestly (which you openly share solicited or otherwise). Elder Celtic tree astrology signs fit well with Alder's and Holly's.

If you found this interesting, you will find my Celtic Ogham page equally intriguing. Click here to go there.
I hope enjoyed this page on Celtic Tree Astrology, but don't stop here. Continue browsing through more in-site pages related to this topic:
Special thanks to David J. Crotty for the starry tree photo used at the top of this page.

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This is why we get along

Chandler you are
Ash - The Enchanter
February 18 - March 17
Those born under the Celtic tree astrology sign of the Ash are free thinkers. Imaginative, intuitive, and naturally artistic, you see the world in water-color purity. You have a tendency to moody and withdrawn at times, but that's only because your inner landscape is in constant motion. You are in touch with your muse, and you are easily inspired by nature. Likewise, you inspire all that you associate with and people seek you out for your enchanting personality. Art, writing (especially poetry), science, and theology (spiritual matters) are areas that strongly interest you. Others may think you are reclusive, but in all honesty, you are simply immersed in your own world of fantastic vision and design. You are in a constant state of self-renewal and you rarely place a value on what others think about you. Ash signs partner well with Willow and Reed signs.

Celtics

Giolcach means Reed

Reed - The Inquisitor
October 28 - November 24
Reed signs among the Celtic tree astrology signs are the secret keepers. You dig deep inside to the real meaning of things and discover the truth hidden beneath layers of distraction. When there is a need to get to the heart of the matter, most certainly the Reed sign will find the core. You love a good story,and can be easily drawn in by gossip, scandals, legend and lore. These tendencies also make you an excellent historian, journalist, detective or archeologist. You love people because they represent a diversity of meanings for you to interpret. You are adept at coaxing people to talking to you, and sometimes you can be a bit manipulative. However, you have a strong sense of truth and honor so most of your scheming is harmless. Reed people join well with other Reeds, Ash or Oak signs.

Numbness

Sometimes I wish the numbness of my life would just dissapear. I know I feel it because I am uncomfortable with what I should be feeling. IE talking about God with my friend Craig.

Another Dream

Ok Chandler you where doing good there for awhile about stayin outta my dreams. Not no more. The last five nights come on! Ok the last and worst dream I had of you also had another guy named Ben in it. Anyway here it goes.

Mark and I are having a huge knock down drag out fight. For once with a witness, his name is Ben and I have known him about as long as I have known Mark. Ben being Ben steps in to try to separate the me and Mark from fighting. The next thing I know you are kicking down the apt door guns ablazing. You shoot Ben on accident I am sure and Mark.

I guess need to work on you aim.

Last night

Last night you came to me.God I wish you never left. Yes it comes in flashes now but God it is all good. Your smell your touch. You came to me when I needed you. But will you come the next time I call Bam! lets find out.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Once again

Once Again

Got nailed once again Found myself kissing tile floor once again. Hurting once again.

Feelings

The way I feel I know is wrong. I have to remind myself all the time. I cant hate him as much as I do, can I? How do I fix this mistake?

life in genral