Anger and Sadness

As I sit here looking at my air force knife thinking about a promise I made not more than a week ago, thinking of breaking that said promise because I am there yet again. I know this crap is what drove us apart yet neither of us will ever admit it.  But nothing would be better than where I am right now. Being gone is  safer than being here. And as I type theses words think of my lover, my family and far away friends. Everyone wants be to be someone I am not or to change or not change something about me. Why I cant I be me and make everyone happy? I am talking about weight loss gain how I look how I speak. Everything is up for grabs. Where I am  now there is NO love found. Anger and distrust roam freely. Everything I want to do ie go somewhere with someone anyone causes a fight hell half the time I cant go anywhere by myself. So as I sit here thinking about the promise made and am about to break, I know you are reading this sometime today and I know you will be mad at me and I am sorry. But what else can I do?? If I break my promise will you still love me and talk to me? We shall see tonight.