Rock and a hard place

I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Im tired of being hurt and hurting within myself. I have a few routes I can take but all of them lead to someone else getting hurt and I just cant do that either. No matter how much I hate someone I can do something that I know will hurt them. Grrrr

Once again

Once again I find my self struggling to prove me worth to a thousand different people.
Once again I can't seem to find peace.
Once again I miss the things I left behind for me family.
Once again  I have to be told it is for the best, even though I disagree.
Once again I find myself falling into old and deadly habits.
Once again I find that I don't want to be where I am.
Once again I find myself wishing I could turn back time.
Once again I find myself with "sticky fingers".
Once again I find myself wanting what I can not have.
Once again I find a hunger in me to change what can not be changed.
Once again I find myself unhappy.
Once again I find in pain.
Once again I find hurting.

Its over

I have officially moved outta my apt in the hell hole re-named South Park and outta Marks house. I AM FREE!! Thank you Wolf for giving me the strength and courage to take this step in freeing myself. 

Good day to die

Like an army marching into war, we advance upon our enemy. Even if that enemy has not yet been made clear, we march. Ready to make the ultimate sacrifice of life and death. To give our selfs for the greater good. Today is a good day to die is our motto showing we have no fear in our hearts, minds and souls. I am ready to follow my master into battle any day any night. I am ready for this fight and will do all that I have to do to win this battle. For today is a good day to die.

Choices

I finaly put my foot down and made what I thought was a good choice. Now just about everyone is pissed off at me. I choose to leave cause I saw no other way out. Now I have to live with what I did. Yes I would do it again so........

Venting

Ok vent time...just tired of dealing with Mark's bullshit! I hate him right now and someone needs to shut his mouth quick.

Changed

Not much has changed since my last post. Still going thru hell. The system has failed me yet again. So ready to call it quits and just leave everything behind! The few friends I have are trying to help and I am forever in there debt. Thanks all Peace

Calling

There is something calling me. Wanting me to go North. Right now I am about ready to. My master is getting ready to leave its pure chaos at my house and neighborhood. I am tired of it all. Why North I am not sure. Yes when the time comes and my master calls for me to come fight with him I will be ready but until then I think I need to escape for awhile. I want for peace to befall my home and I am thinking if I remove the chaotic element in my home there will be peace. So someday soon I am going to pack a bag, take my bike and go North, till I am called.

Anonymous

Anonymous bitch you have officially pissed me off. Pretending to know me HA. You have no clue what I have done and am doing. You say I creeply stalked to of the men in this blog you are sooooo wrong. Sure I will admit to maybe stalking one but his wife and I worked it out. Now Carrot top the one I talk to daily you could be more wrong! I challenge you to come out with your name I want to know whom this person is that knows me so well. Or you are the chicken shit stalker and no more comments from you will be posted. I do have a guess to whom this is and since my first guess was wrong it leaves one person. Carrot tops ex! Whom I might add begged him to fuck her the first night they met!!!

The men of this blog

I had some one make a comment about the guys I mention in here so here they all are and there is more than 4.
Chandler Reed: My friends husband

Carrot Top: my ex and still friends

Mark: My other sometimes better half sometimes not

Scott aka Scooter: A old friend of mine whom I havent spoken to in years and one of my muses

Kevin Pittman: Another muse whom a few of these blogs has been written for

Craig: My dear friend that lives Down Under

Jeffery: My birth father whom I am looking for


Have I missed anyone??

Tiff

Well it seem I cost a friend another friendship. I feel bad about it truly because he seems to have really cared for her. I didn't know certain details about there relationship. And I said somethings to her after there were broke up. I feel really really bad that this happened. Ben and Tiff I hope you can forgive me.

All eyes (together)

eyes wide open can’t see a thing missing you more than life its self eyes wide open looking everywhere Eyes wide open god himself couldn't save me Eyes wide open still blind and can not see Looking everywhere still not finding what I seek Lookin looking but nothing to see In this hell I live nobody can find me As I write this I Can’t even cry Missing you more than words can ever say Eyes wide open hating this feeling I have every single day. Loving my hate hating my love so damn confused doesn’t know what else to do. Is it my time to die or live? When will I know what freedom really is If is truth I don’t want to know. Hating my life and wanting no more Eyes wide open ready to go Heaven or Hell I do not know. Eyes wide open looking for you missing you more than you will ever know. Eyes wide open still blind to everything Living life to its fullest extent only god can save me now. Eyes wide open to truth you have always told. Missing missing everything I left behind wanting to go back in time and undo the past. Knowing full well it can’t be done. Hating myself for ever letting go. Missing the life I wanted Being suck in this hell No one can understand not even you.Not even god  knows all that I have been thru. Loving you so much I cant explain cant put into words all that I feel. All the pain and all the hurt I have been thru all for you Never ever want to loose you again will go to the end of the earth just to be near you. My life will be over if I loose you again. Just want to be you friend if thats all I can do. I want so much more but dont want push you away. Hating how I feel right now hating that I wanna cry hating that I wanna cut and die. These thoughts in my head are really starting to scare me. I know how you feel about everything I have ever done. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. The darkness is overwhelming so much its not even funny Hating my life right now wishing everything was different. Having no control over what I write and do. Hating every minute without you. Needing you by my side more than I can ever say. Needing to take this knife from my hands so I dont do something stupid. Wanting needing are not my things. Hating this needing feeling I have wishing I could never feel again. Cutting and feeling no pain is not a good sign. Wanting wishing never to feel again. waiting wanting for this to end not liking what I am writing. Wanting wanting so much more than hating everything I have Time to end this end this all not wanting to give up but what else can I do? 

Eyes wide open hating the way you made me feel one of these days you will see the truth. One of these days we will all know the truth of why I am the way I am. Eyes wide open cause I am scared to sleep Never ever again will I fall. No one can save me from my own hell Have to keep going to find the truth in all the lies I have been told. Eyes wide open to the face that everyone has lied to me.Crying harder now than ever before trying to resists the urges running thru my head, Trying to put this damn knife down. Even you cant see my total pain. Eyes wide open to the rawness I do not like. Would rather die than feel this way again. Cant take much more of this pain I feel wanting it to end right now. No more tears no more sorrow no more pain ever again Curse you for making me feel this way Wondering why do I do this to myself wanting answers I never will get Eyes wide open to why I had all those walls up. Feeling shit I never wanted to feel. Hearing shit I never wanted to hear Learning shit I never wanted to learn Eyes wide open to the fact I will never be normal never ever be like everyone else in the world always going to be alone. Crazy and looney that is me by default hating it but knowing its fact Feeling the cold steel against my skin what a release it can bring. Eyes wide open to how I will die. God only knows what can save me. Wanting to escape this hell called life not wanting to die but don’t know what else is there. Don’t know if I can wait till Oct to find out the truth wanting to find these answers that will haunt me till I am gone. Always know that I loved you and have never been right minded. Eyes wide open to the fact of death coming soon  Eyes wide open not caring anymore Eyes wide open wanting to run Eyes wide open to all the pain I feel Getting closer every day to the end

Eyes wide open

Here we go again

Round and round I go

Fighting and fighting forever more.

This time is the last time I will do this again!

Can't bear the pain any more

Eyes wide open

That my death is very near

Yes I am ready to go

Wanting and waiting for my life to change

Knowing while hoping it NEVER will

Eyes wide open

As I fall asleep one last time

Even you couldn’t save me this time

I am so sorry for everything I put you thru

Hope one day you can forgive as I have you

Eyes wide open

As its time for me to say goodbye

Eyes wide open to all the pain I have caused. More and more every single day. These words can’t explain the guilt I feel. One more time one more dime one more cut one more bleed. Eyes wide open to the things that need to change. Happiness is not a dream but can be real. Over and over everyone tells me so. That I must leave the darkness I so fondly love. That I must enter the light to save my soul.

Eyes wide open to what my heart is telling me. You and I where never meant to be. I am sorry to say it this way I can’t lie to you or myself anymore. I must embrace the truth. You were my first and always will be but its time I move on. Can’t keep up this act anymore. Eyes wide open to the truth, what I need is not what I want. I am no hero to these kids but I will not give up on them either or their father. Eyes wide open to knowing this is not what you want to hear. I will always love you my dear. Eyes wide open to the fact you want to know why. I feel we have drifted apart once again. So tired to trying to stay "afloat" to stay with you and him, I can’t tell the lies anymore that I have to, to keep him happy. Why must I lie because he hates you so. For everything you did. Eyes wide open to the fact that even as I write this line I wish I was with you. AAHHHH can’t deal with this shit much more. Eyes wide open to how I feel. I need someone to come save me, save me now. Save me from myself once again. The end is HERE!

Eyes wide open to the double life I am living.  Hating what I have done and become. Still searching for who I am and where I am from.  Eyes wide open to my darkened soul.  Ready to fight for what and whom I love. I would kill to save them all.  Yet I fear what I must save them from most is my own crazy self.  How to stop the madness I will never know. Wanting, needing help that I will never find.  Seeing, feeling that the end is near. Am I crazy or is it the world we live in today?  Making up story’s just to save our own face.  Lying, cheating and stealing have become the norm. Since when has honesty become taboo? Hate everything and care about nothing not even my own life.  Wanting to end it all but finding I cant.  Even as I write these words I don’t know what is going to come out next. I am in a place where life and death have no meaning and they have become one with each other.  Wondering when will it change again. Missing what I think was love. Now only knowing pain and fear.  I find myself ready but don’t know what is keeping me here.

My death/ my dreams

Sitting at Walmart on the curb outside of the store I see (here is a problem cause the person I see keeps changing) Adam/Kevin. (Adam you dont know he is a paramedic out here and Kevin is Kevin Pittman from RDH) Any way I am sittin outside the store. I make eye contact with Adam (well just go with Adam) I take out my knife and put it to me neck and cut my throat. Now I am looking thru there eyes as the blood shoots outta me. I die.

Dreams

My dreams are like my life yet I would not call them dreams, more like nightmares. I dream of death coming end of the world crap etc. Its getting to the point where I don't wanna sleep. I even have re-curing people in my dreams, sad thing is they are no longer in my life. Moved away that kinda shit. Peace be with all who read this and be ware of the black storm comming

Friends

One by one my friends seem to be disappearing. They just stop talking/texting me.

Bored I guess

Its boring here and I am going. Stir crazy

I know I walk alone

I know I walk alone
I  chose this path of misery and hate.
I know I walk alone
I know there is no such thing as a lone christian
.What I am I do not know. My faith has become more trials then blessings it seams.
I know I walk alone
I know I have chosen this route and where it will lead me that I am un-sure of.
I know that I must have faith but its hard to have faith in the un-seen.
I know I walk alone
I walk everywhere looking for signs of hope and life and all I see is pain and suffering.
Disregard for the rules set by man and God alone.
I know I walk alone
One day I hope to see and know the truth in my heart and soul.
But for know I know I walk alone.

Pissed off!

Ok I have a friend here in the states that is dying. He has MS and maybe two months to live. All cause our government wont allow the cure here. WTF is that all about? They haven't figured out how to get money outta this or something??

Death and Love

If you were dying would you want to know? Would you tell anyone? Would you do anything differently? Maybe more brave? Cause fear can be stopped ya know. It is a feeling just like love and hunger pain and cold. I may say I love someone but to be honest I don't think I really do fell it, its just something you say. So I would not tell anyone if I was dying and just slip peacefully into the night.

God's Blog

I keep a blog called "God's Promise" and I have been slacking on it. For one major reason. I have no home church yet again and am looking once again. Its frustrating because we thought we had found a good one. But once again our issues prove to much for them.