Game time

Name of the game is....How much more can I loose my mind??? Think Im playing... I can almost see/feel myself spin further & further out control. But I can't decide if I like this ride yet or not....TBD 

Me

Someone please he honest with me here n now....am I really that horable of a person? To where all my so called family n friends just turn there back on me? 

Master Wolf

It hurts me to see you hurt as you do. Physical and emotional pain. Anyone that knows you knows how much you would love to be living with Crystal right now. The few you allow to see your pain. We the few also know how much you want the physical pain to end. Soon Master soon.

Internal war

Again I find myself at war....with whom you may ask. LOL My self yes I am once again at war with myself. Engage yet again in another internal war. God how I hate these. Im hopelessly deadlocked in this good for nothing NEVER ending war. Somebody save me please. I hate it I hate it I hate it! And with that very admission I have to add a almost darker one. Yes I hate this war but in hating it I also must hate myself, no? I find myself being torn between a fear (where said fear comes from, no clue) and also a kinda desire. I want what I fear to happen. Which makes no sense to me I swear. So my mind wanders back to where the same thing may have been happening before. My wants and fears being the same that is. Dr Scott A. Siegall M.D. said to me that the reason I was sabotaging my life, giving up everything (family & home) to be with this Ja-Ho aka Mark was because I secretly wanted to be living in the shelters. I had a weird curiosity to experience it. So coming back to the present I guess I am having that same wanting again (not to be homeless). And so I am doing stupid sh** the exact sh** I yell at poor Master Wolf for doing all the damn time. Its cause I want to be/go where he has been...jail/prison I dont think it would matter which. Now besides this desire of "walking in his shoes" there is a second reason to do this. Could be simply just to say been there done that or maybe just maybe to show the nay sayers I could and while doing it I could also keep my trap shut!

The Calm

It appears calm and serine..... but very few can feel what is lurking just outta sight. Hiding almost in plan sight. They feel the change coming before it arrives. They taste the iron metallic taste of the blood that has yet to flow. They see the bolts of lightning before they are thrown. And they can smell the coming rain before the first drop falls. Yes we can sense the "calm before the storm" but can you? 

Chosen 2

Tornado

I'm caught in the middle of one too many worlds one too many lifes. An erie calm comes over me outside a raging storm that grows within. The term " comfortably numb"  is a false hope. We do everything and anything we can to become comfortably numb. We do what we do to block out phycal pain ie work, drink and pills. Only once we gain a numbness from this phycal do we become aware of the internal pain or mental pain. And that pain my friends nothing not illegal drugs, legal drugs, booze nothig can touch that pain. Well nothing expect death its self. Yes I said death the Grimm reaper himself. And those that have been caught all to long in the ever raging storm we cry unto him PLEASE TAKE ME NOW! And yet despite our begging and pleading he despites us. He sits just outta reach in the dark corner watching waiting, buying his time.